I Have Become

I Have Become.
I have become what I have lost, and I have become what I have learned.
I have become everything I turned away, and I have become everything I embraced.
I have become a reality.
I have become more than a vision, or a dream, or a hope, or a guess.
I have become differently than I, or anyone had thought.
I have grown more dimensions than any school picture, first impression, or handshake could elude to.
I have become more daring than any plan I had organized or adventure I set out on.
I have become more and I have become less.
I have become well.
I have become at costs, and at times, have struggled to become.
I have become what I inevitably am now, at the mercy of all my own choices.
I have become the hour of the early morning that keeps only the anxious, and truly tired awake and wondering.
I have become the fervent cursive writing on a page, angled upwards so words can come quicker.
I have become the sound of the door closing at 2 am, and I have danced in the silence after it locks.
I have become the chorus of a good rock song, and the lyrics to an undiscovered tune.
I have become paint strokes, kind exchanges, and understanding.
I have learned to become the high road.
I have become an ensemble of every photo taken of me.
I have adopted the smiles, styles and memories of times captured while all the while, I have been the camera, picking up everything I document, accumulating and replacing everything I have become and am yet to become.
Changing, Snapping, Capturing.
I have become about completely imperfectly, clumsily, and hysterically.
I have chosen to become a darker side, and I have embraced and fostered my brighter side with open arms.
I have become a combination of everything I said I never would be, everything I have hoped I would be, and everything I never dreamed I could be.
I have become the living evidence of my own impact on this world and those around me.
I have become a voice that yells, that rejoices and questions.
I have been afraid, but I have become brave.
I have missed and reflected on what I once became.
I worry and plan and dream on what I have yet to become.
I have learned to accept the times I didn't like what I had become, and enjoy what I have become now.
I have become all the things, and people, and experiences who have passed through my proximity.
I have become all my lovely, trying, prevailing, exciting, monumental and heartbreaking times.
More than anything, I have become only the things, people and experiences that I allowed to shape what I have become.
I have began, and I am becoming, but most importantly,
I Have Chosen To Become.

The Coach: Regret

I was talking with a friend of mine at the end of last year and he had suggested a topic for me to write about. I am not a writer that necessarily takes a random topic and then reflects on it as that is something I do in school and am often required to do so for assignments in my academics.  I use this space solely for feeling and writing about something that I experience vs. choosing a topic and summoning the feelings to come unnaturally and writing down a distant reflection.

But since then, I have had some experience with this subject he brought up and upon the early hours of the morning and the way I usually go about my thinking, am feeling rather inspired to write about it.  

Regret.

A subject that is the core of some of the most popular quotes, YOLO song lyrics, and excessive parental advice. I have written about regret as is applies to other subjects I think about but I have never felt totally comfortable fully approaching it. 

A hard subject to write about no doubt because everyone feels it, but no one wants to admit they have it or have felt it. We don't want to go through our lives thinking what if, but in my opinion and from my experience thusfar, its kind of inevitable to face these what if's occasionally and to wish you had made different choices from time to time.   Do I believe in what if's, no, because I believe that what happens happens and it is silly to fantasize about another situation that is nonexistent.  But I do often experience those concerns for having them and have experienced them myself in moments of the monumental, seemingly cataclysmic decisions that effect life significantly. 

Being the usually obnoxiously optimistic, glass half full person that I am, I have began to accept that regret is part of the human condition and while you may not be able to control it in its entirety, its absolutely possible to control the way you reflect, understand and act on it.  I have heard many people (more adults than teenagers) often advise me to do this or to do that so I may not find room for regret later.  Make decisions now that will make life easier for you later."  A mantra and decision making technique I believed would bring me security in life now and down the road without having to put myself out there too far and get shot down.  

I have began to believe that this may have been what shaped my perspective for living life in such a way that I won't regret anything later.  Since recently, I really believed that this was the best model to live by and most importantly, a way to get the most out of this 70-100 years we hope to get on this planet.  But what I have also come to understand is in all circumstances and situations in which you will make a decision, you have the choice to approach it in a way where your mindset says "I'm going to make the best decision or outcome I can make for the time in which I am existing."  A divergence from my model that promotes more of a "acting now" vs. "worrying about later." 

This won't always mean making the smart choice, or the easy choice, or the logical choice but more that you are acknowledging what you want to do and agreeing to pursue it 100%.  The effort that you put into choices you make should place you in an agreement with your own self that even if the choice you make doesn't provide the benefits you thought it might, or work out the way you thought it might, that you gave something you believed in at THE TIME your all and that is a far greater accomplishment than succeeding at something you were just doing because it was safe.  

What I have found, is that if you are constantly living on the defensive (As I do) and constantly preparing for what could go wrong and routinely living to avoid conflict, you miss out on good things, lessons, and memories you might develop from grabbing life by the horns and taking the offensive.  I wouldn't suggest that you live life completely on the offensive, as having a good offense matters just as much as a good defense, but what is life worth if it is just filled with a constant "OK" because you are simply avoiding the bad, and not embracing the good.  Without the bad, there can't be great.  And what I have found comical is that we live on this defensive because we are SCARED of doing something when later it turns into regretting the things we didn't do.  Cliche, but they do tie together. When you get to be this age of 20 and pushing upward, from what I have observed and been through, you are going to realize not only do you HAVE nothing to regret if you live on the defensive but you have nothing to celebrate if you are constantly sitting back, protecting yourself from hurt, stress, and this vague interpretation of regret when sometimes in order to avoid those things, you have to be willing to go forward.  You will live in a constant stream of doubting yourself and concern for making the wrong decision instead of just putting your damn foot down, doing what you care about, and really living.

As some of you may know, I made the tough decision to quit my 8 year career with track and field this last year.  I bring this up not because I like talking about it or wish to make a dramatic proclamation about it, but it directly applies to this topic and part of my nightly reflection. I had put a lot and I mean a LOT of late night thinking, parental conversation and time into deciding how I was going to approach my specialty sport in which I once had Olympic dreams and was good, but undeniably one that I had fallen out of love with.  Easily the hardest cross road I have ever been faced with.   A crossroad I know each and everyone person has struggled with at some point in their life.  Being good at something, but no longer being fond of it.  Its even harder when there is history behind it all because much like everything, history builds foundation and its harder to start over the stronger that foundation gets.  

Maybe its a relationship, a sport like mine, an old dream, a parents dream FOR you, an area of interest, anything.  I can say confidently that everyone has been in a situation where they are faced with choosing to do what they love, and choosing to do what is easy for them.  Its tough.  Because here is the draw: Giving it up seems wasteful, but continuing on seems pointless when you are not passionate about it.  

So what do you do?  How are we expected to deal with this kind of emotional and psychological torture?

Unfortunately, I don't have that answer and telling you what to do would be insensitive and assuming of me. 

But, I can tell you what I did.  

At the time, facing this reality of dislike vs. ease seemed easier and less terrifying if I looked at the two scenarios on an equal level, staying and continuing running t because I was good, or taking the risk to quit, perhaps regretting it, and pursuing something I cared about.  I asked myself over and over again which choice with running would I regret LESS 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the road.  I was faced with something much different than comfort, certainty and a solid answer when taking my own present desires out of context and trying to appease a future self whom I had not met and did not know.  Instead, I realized that looking at regret from the defensive end, from an indifferent end, made me feel completely out of sync with myself.  It made me feel insecure and it made me feel lost.  The system I had used for decision making and regret avoidance had failed and it threw me.  I had an epiphany that honestly, I had put myself in a position to be at the mercy of regret.  I let regret dictate what I would do with MY time and MY life and that is something you want to avoid at all costs if you ever want to achieve a self confident happiness. 

I realized that by approaching regret like it was something I could completely control and trying to make a choice simply because it might be an easier route for me down the road was not going to give me an answer to this decision that I felt strongly about, but one that would appease my situation and just avoid having to deal with regret.... for now.  You just NEVER know.  You are never going to know what you might regret because good AND bad can come from anything, it just depends how YOU choose to look at it.

This form of decision making I had relied on for so long revealed this lack of trust I had in myself that I never had seen before.  I was not confident enough in my own situation and my passions to make a choice because I wanted to make it.  Using regret is not an excuse to do something easier with your life or play the victim! Most importantly, I learned regret isn't always about making a foolish decision, its about making a decision you had no trust in.  You have to accept that you will NEVER be able to make a choice (with exceptions of course) where you will 100% know how it will effect your future.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to live a little on the offensive side so that when you do reach that point 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, you are able to say at least you did everything you could instead of wishing you had done something DIFFERENT.  

That's when I began to think about it from my own 19 year old self's point of view.  I realized that if I gave up running I might regret it later, but there is an equal opportunity for regret if I continued to run and missed out on some of the things I wanted to partake in that I was passionate about.  

I found that there was no right answer.  

I could regret any choice I wanted to because any and every choice you make is going to have payoffs, but its going to have consequences as well.  It all depends on your perspective and the amount of effort and trust you are willing to put into the choice you do make.  Once you make a choice, if you promise yourself to not look back and go full throttle with your defensive and offensive side for the choice you make, you are GOING TO BE HAPPY.  There is no way that a person doing something they love will regret making a choice that made it possible for them.  That's just logical.  That doesn't mean that you might occasionally wish you had taken another option, that is normal, but be as confident as you can be in your direction and believe in it for everything it is worth and can teach you. 

And say you make a choice, and you are stuck with the consequences of it and unable to enjoy any of the payoffs, than you better work hard to get to the next choice where you can make a new decision.  Its all about backs and fourths, and changing and evolving as person.  Take every situation for whats its worth, goods and bads and either learn from it or be beaten by it.  If you become in touch with what you care about and learn to make tough choices CONFIDENTLY, you will begin to see regret differently and it will begin to feel different to you.  It will become something that no longer eats away at you, remaining in the back of your head as a could have, should have, would have, but merely as a part in your life where you gave it your all and it may or may not have worked out for the better.  I PROMISE you that this will bring a peace to you when looking back, making it impossible to be bitter or upset about the decision. This is where I see the difference between regret and reflection.  If you are looking at it completely from the defensive side, you are constantly living in a day to day prevention and protection that withholds you from making mistakes, learning, and using those lessons for a future.  

The same way goes for the other side.  

If you constantly live on the offensive, throwing caution to the wind at all times and closing your eyes and choosing whatever decision is heads for the coin toss, chances are you will experience some of the same side effects of regret when you realize that you should have approached life a little more conservatively, where you could have prevented certain issues or obstacles had you just opened your eyes and planned a little more.  

The hardest thing to accept when it comes to regret is there isn't a calculated formula to curing you from it, no perfect game plan that prevents it and no easy way to deal with it once it sets in solidly.  I wish I could give you some answer to it all, and maybe someone out there has it, but I think that almost brings an acceptance of it that makes it easier to get past and process.  What I can tell you, is it all comes down to trusting yourself.  I think that when I look at advice on regret, I don't necessarily think you should play it safe all the time and I dont think you should just do the craziest thing so you can have a good story for later, but what I believe in is that you have to give yourself credit.  We are so hard on ourselves when "looking back at what we could have been" when in reality we have no idea what we will be or what we will wish we could have been.  

Make a decision now, and make it confidently.  

Make it for you and do everything in your power to make it a choice that even in the midst of it not working out, it still being something you are happy to have tried.  

Trust yourself to make a good decision now, and go easy on yourself later.  

Try to see everything in a brighter light, and eventually, the things that seemed dark, will fade.  

You can't change the past, and you can't predict the future, so just do everything in your power to be happy now so later, you won't be able to regret anything if you know for a fact you were making choices that made you happy at the time.  

Do the best you can for the time your in.  

Developing a plan will help but when it comes to regret, its not necessarily the offensive side or the defensive side that will bring you a satisfaction with your life, all the goods and the bads of it, but being the coach of your own life.  Making calls confidently, learning from wins and losses, trusting in your knowledge at that moment and having faith in your own offense and defense will bring you whatever constitutes a win for you, knowing you did your best even through a series of tough plays.

Taking 20

Welcome to week three fellow college attendees and for those who are 18 and under, I hope high school is treating you well.
It has been a while since I have visit this page to do some not so ol fashioned blogging, but I cant exactly say I'm apologetic as my time in the real life, non Internet related present has been truly wonderful and pretty productive so no complaints here.
I have hit the ground running into the second year of my college career as most of you have with your own years of schooling and personally, I haven't been able to escape this looming cloud of age and impending pressure of figuring my life out.
I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD AND THAT IS WEIRD.
I would assume this is normal as being college students in particular, we are encouraged to choose the field of work we wish to work in and thrive in for the rest of our lives....... at the mere age of 20-21.  While it sounds overwhelming and a little nutty to have such expectations on an age of people who still probably don't know how to balance a checkbook, are living on their own for their first time, and more than likely spend more time thinking about what they are going to eat for their next meal than what their account balance looks like, I have come to conclusion, its really not that outlandish.
Why?
Because we are still young enough to not fear what we want.  Yes, yes I said that.
As a "Twenty" we have this ability to kind of.... mess up and not have completely detrimental consequences, are expected to not entirely know what they want to do and have access to so many people that are willing to help us along the way to success.  Whether you believe that or not, I cant help but assume you have at least a few supports that will be there to aid you along your journey.
All in all, we are still young enough to know that our passions might place us in a career or field that is extremely selective, exclusive or downright tough to maneuver our way into, yet still resilient, determined and passionate enough to not let that get us down and keep up focused on reaching it nonetheless.
We are tough and we are dynamic.
This can be extremely useful as an emerging adult who does not want to get stuck doing something easy vs. something that will bring fulfilment and leave meager room for regret.
We have a HUGE advantage as early 20's being somewhat forced by society to figure this out now.  Whether you do it through college, or separate aspirations, NOW is a great time to begin to figure out what really connects to your aspirations and go for it.  No pressure though, trust me.
Anyways, I suppose I have spent these first three weeks aligning my own self to be successful in some of the fields I have become particularly interested in.  I have stumbled onto some pieces of advice, sentences in books, drunk people philosophy and even tweets that have provided a nice framework to continue to build on as well as reminders for me to occasionally take a chill pill, calm the hell down, and take a step back.  I hope these things I have compiled might bring some use or insight to you.  That would be ideal so.. here I GO.

WE ARE ONLY TWENTY.

I love this statement because it can be taken a few different ways. This statement also applies to those who are almost twenty, as twenty can be more of a frame of mind.  20 symbolizes adulthood, shedding teenage years, and entering a more professional world.  I read something the other day that went something like "Most twenties these days feel that by the time they hit the twenty mark they are expected to be on the road to acquiring a company, publishing a book or having their own show."
This pressure is definitely present and I think its unfortunate that twenties bring pressure and stress like this when really, this age should bring us an excitement and opportunity.  No need to feel pressure, we have only been on this earth for TWENTY years and in my eyes, if you are 20, able to make Macaroni and Cheese and able to read a map, you are on the road to being successful.
On the contrary, WE ARE ONLY TWENTY!!  We don't have to see 20 as an excuse to not get started on doing what we love or as a cap for what we are capable of as young adults.  Just because we aren't running multi-million dollar corporations doesn't mean we cant do SOMETHING.  Like I said, we are at an age where we begin to find what we REALLY like and what we REALLY don't. Take advantage of the substantial difference between these two and act on it.
Don't stay doing something you HATE when you could be spending just as much time on something you love and something that will bring you closer to achieving something miraculous.
We really haven't been tainted by the world yet, so take advantage of your obvious visions and take hold of it.  We have the chance to use our age as a resource so DO IT. Start doing little things to work your way up to making your passions a job, career, dream come true whatever.  Baby steps are vital and passion requires patience.  So use 20 as a reality check for how young you are but use it as a motivator to start pursuing things that could make a lifetime start now.

MAKE REAL CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE

Welcome to your 20's, where yes, you have spent the last 4-6 years commenting on peoples pictures, telling between 500-800 (more than likely) random people about how excited you are for your nieces dance recital, and knowing more OF people than you know ABOUT people.
Well....
I am here to tell you while this might still be a reality and certainly an area of entertainment, its time to start getting out in the REAL world.
SCARY I KNOW, BUT I PROMISE ITS WORTH IT.
As a 20, you have this completely underestimated chance to make a SERIOUS mark wherever you are.
AND I MEAN SERIOUS.  We can be the unexpected for people older than us; surprise those in the workforce, or people that we want to impress that we are more than just a 20 year old fumbling around in this world looking to ride off whatever great trend we can pick up on.  They will remember that and everyone around you will to.
To be honest, you have this chance at ANY age, I'm not here to exclude other ages, or say that these situations are only available to 20 years olds... But I can only speak for what I know and what I know is 20 and under.
I guess being a young adult means we have this chance to be independent and be taken seriously for the first time and setting ourselves apart in a good way can
have
really
monumental
things
come from it.
A compliment will go a lot further than a comment, sharing your story with ONE REALLY IMPORTANT person over coffee will go a lot further than with 800 random, and getting to know someone personally will reveal many benefits over being able to namedrop 4 people whom you cant begin to explain one detail about.
Quality is the name of the game.
Don't get me wrong, I am not belittling the HUGE help social media can bring you, but I am simply exemplifying how IMPERATIVE to being successful making real conversation holds.
Working your way up to becoming successful has become about "who you know" and something my business teacher this last year reiterated religiously.
So if you are serious about wanting to do something amazing, out of this world, or something that could possibly change the course of you life, talk. The power of speech is mind blowing.  Your professors?  It might seem weird to strike up conversation with them, or ask them to lunch but you can bet they are in the position they are at in a university because they are important.  They may have published books or papers, worked with people higher than them and probably have more connections than you know. And you WONT know until you GET to know them.
And you can bet they are looking to help their students succeed.  But when your business professor, who has worked with multiple millionaire entrepreneurs, business men, and success stories looks to refer one of his students to an internship position, make sure your name tops to the list.  This is real stuff, I have seen it happen!  Conversation will get your far and establish the connections that will later become mandatory to achieving a goal.  If you take the time to really foster these relationships and develop them, with WHOEVER you see fit, you are going to find you have larger than life people willing to help you and speak with you and suddenly, being 20 and dreaming of making something of yourself is going to be far more realistic with the support and knowledge you will attain.  Talk to people, man.  Its free, its fun and it will do wonders.

GET INSPIRED 

I know I know, how vague can I get?
BUT SERIOUSLY.  I am not going to tell you HOW to do it, because I certainly am not in tune to your personal sources of motivation but let me tell you, find it and DO IT ALWAYS. ALWAYS.  That spark that provides a daily reminder to keep doing what you are doing?  KEEP IT GOING.
This might mean researching people that have accomplished what you want to, or doing art, or watching videos or movies, or attending seminars, or taking classes, or traveling or whatever.
DO WHATEVER YOU CAN WITHIN YOUR MEANS TO PROPEL YOU FORWARD.
The power of inspiration will drive you in a good direction.
Everyone needs inspiration.
Watch games for the sport you want to go pro in.  Do whatever it takes.  That inspiration will provide this extra desire and excitement to go for it and push you over the edge of maybe and into the realm of doing.  Its short and sweet, but it is essential that you maintain this other source of motivation outside of just "getting things done" and remembering the deeper reason for doing what you do.  Inspiration is what reminds you that your dream is more than just a bunch of to do lists and a destination, but a journey that is SERIOUSLY COOL!  Get inspired.

BALANCE KEEPS BALANCE

In the center of this raging 20 year old restlessness to accomplish something, remember to maintain a balance.  Take your time.  You are not EXPECTED to found a new phone company, or develop a new software yet, so maintain a balance so you can BEGIN to get there in a healthy way.
Once again, we are only 20.
We like to party, and we like to hang out with our friends, and we like to occasionally take trips or go to concerts.  THESE are normal things that keep us from losing our minds in this confusing in between teen and adult stage.
And leave yourself room to do these things or whatever provides you tranquility amongst your "work" part of life.
Definitely don't get completely stressed out or criticize yourself when you take time away from your goals to do some of these fluffy parts of life.  Fun and relaxation are just as important and any other part of living life especially as a young adult.
You don't want to self combust because you honed in to one thing and kept your plans strung so tightly that any little bump in the road shakes unwinds you back to the beginning.  Keep that balance alive, and you will find that you are actually able to accomplish more when you are not holed up in your room, wound up so tight on one little detail that you have been OCD'ing it for hours trying to make it perfect.  Having balance will maintain a balance, so keep it even.

ACKNOWLEDGE WHERE YOU'LL FACE OBSTACLES - JUMP HIGHER

My mother always told me "never greet the devil before hes at the door."  I believe this whole heartedly.  Remember that sometimes the things we worry about are out of our control and there is no sense in fretting about it unproductively when it is not something that deserves to take up the worried space in your brain.
On the contrary, she has told me to plan ahead for the things you CAN do something about.
See where you are going to face struggles and plan accordingly.  As a 20 year old in college, or a 20 year old starting a business, or a 20 year old still figuring out what they are doing tomorrow, it is crucial when getting a plan set up to not be naive.  See where you might face struggles and roadblocks and different ways you can approach them and make your way over them.
Its not just about understanding their presence, but having the willpower to come up with plans to jump over them higher.   There is nothing wrong with facing these road blocks or obstacles, everyone has them.  What you can do to prevent yourself from being fatally effected by them is to plan accordingly and DON'T deny that they will be there.
A side note..... you wont be able to plan for everything.  Its a fact. You control freaks out there?  You know what I'm talking about.... don't drive yourself crazy trying to nail down every little tiny thing, but take the time to plan for what you know you will eventually have to deal with.  Budget, write out, brainstorm do what you have to do to make life easier for you down the road.
Your future self with thank you.
 And do not I repeat DO NOT let obstacles get the best of you.  Turning away from your obstacle doesn't mean that the amazing thing/place/idea behind it goes away.  Pursue, pursue, pursue.  Let people help you and be gracious.  Trust me, people have accomplished amazing things in this world but not without the obvious and inevitable obstacles.
Accept that they are there, and plot.  Planning can save you a lot of trouble and avoiding the denial of trouble will save you even more.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT 

I had the pleasure of running into a former teammate the other day and spending a pleasantly long amount of time chatting about her graduating (she is a senior) and her plans for post college.  She asked me similar questions about college, what I was looking to do, and life past not doing track.  She said something that really stood out to me and something that I took to heart.
"If you are not happy where you are, then you're probably not in the right place.  Do something about it.  Because you don't want to look back down the road and wish you could have done something different."
For me, this statement is far more than just a piece of advice about setting yourself up not to regret, but a true statement of accountability and responsibility as a 20 year old with a dream.
If you aren't happy, then guess who has to make a change? YOU DO.
If that means taking a big risk to possibly get an even bigger reward, it might be worth it.  Only you can decide.  But what I truly believe we as 20 year olds need to act on more is our chance to change when we are unhappy.  We haven't locked down a job we cant get out of, haven't assumed a TON of debt (YET), and really haven't been forced to enter a world dominated by big decisions and needing to consider the consequences first.
If you aren't happy doing what you are doing, living with who you are living with, majoring in what you are majoring in, settling for what you have settled with or otherwise, its time for you to sit down and make a plan to change.
You are in COMPLETE control of your happiness and we are FAR too young to declare a perpetual state of unhappiness (nor should anyone feel that way) but we REALLY have no excuse.  Sure, we will face hard times as anyone does, but it cant be overlooked that we certainly face a lot of money barriers and miscellaneous obstacles as young adults.  But it comes back to doing what you can within your MEANS to change your situation.  I am a firm believer in being in charge of your own happiness and having no excuse to complain if you are sitting around not doing anything to make it different.
Don't be afraid to take risks and do something different.  You have to remember:
"Would taking the risk and knowing it didn't work out be worse than remaining unhappy?"
You won't know if you don't try so TRY.
SET YOURSELF UP TO BE HAPPY ANY WAY YOU ARE CAPABLE.
And if you aren't capable to make any big changes, MAKE A PLAN FOR HOW YOU CAN!  And start doing THE LITTLE THINGS along the way to lead up to making a big change.  No one is completely helpless.  If you are a human, you have no reason to not at least point yourself in the direction of change. Change is good for us 20's.  We are susceptible and adaptable to it, so now is a good time.  We haven't established roots nor do we maintain seniority anywhere so move around and follow your heart.... as corny as that sounds.  I beseech you to become part of a movement of young adults who aren't afraid to take their destiny by the horns and harness it.  Its possible!

I guess that is kind of it.  I have definitely felt moved over the course of this last year to start pursuing life in a more positive and opportunistic way and I can't believe how far I have come from it.  I have met some amazing people this year and a lot of the journey I am on is owed to those people for helping me through self realization.  Its cool.
All in all, I want this year to be standout to you.  I have a good feeling about it and I just would like to see people taking this year into their own hands and really doing spectacular things with it.  People do crazy cool things when they are in an unstoppable mind set and stay attentive and aware to a few minor things.
In the midst of voiced skepticism, unlikelihood of success and continual testing, do what you love.  You have no idea the kind of inspiration you provide to those who are 20 like me, or 50 or 8.
I would say this post started me off for the year in a good, liberated way and sharing some of my thoughts to the world is a huge part of being 20 for me.
I look forward to seeing what these next 365 days are filled with, and I look forward to seeing what it has in store for you too.
Take 20 with force!
Don't run from it, fear it, or let it intimidate you.
Partner up with it to make something greater than you could have ever imagined.
Remember also... that you are only 20, so give yourself some credit.  You have survived thus far, and you are going to be just fine.
Make your debut as a kickass young adult, in whatever way, big or small, you can do it.
I believe there's no time like now to do so.

The Right to be Sad

It has been a while since I have written about anything.
Generally, I wait for that "umph" of motivation I get when something dawns on me or I dive into a thought process that leads me to a widened perspective that can only be fostered and further understood/accepted by placing a pen on paper or moving my fingers across the keys of a computer.
The last few days, I have been rolling around thoughts in my mind, trying to decide whether or not writing them down would be
a) worth it or
b) appropriate to put out to those who may or may not know me personally.  I'm not confrontational by nature, and I certainly don't like upsetting people.
I suppose it took a few recent events for me to realize that perhaps the thoughts I am thinking are running through others minds as well and that perhaps seeing them in black and white might bring a subconscious kinship and relief to anyone who might read this, and know that there is someone out there who can relate.
Wow. LOSING someone.
It is never any easier to hear or digest.
It seems like a lot to deal with as a mere human being, placed on this earth with  people to count on that can be taken from us all to quickly sometimes.
And frankly, anytime is too quickly.
Goodness gracious, there is no graceful or easy or light way to put it.
It just sucks ya know.
Whether you are so desperately trying to help someone who has lost someone, or you are dealing with the loss yourself.
Its like no words feel right, no actions feel justified and no attempts to improve the current state of confusion and apparent betrayal from life seem to matter.
I hate to sound so dark and negative, but I am also realistic and I KNOW that this or some variation of those feelings might pass through most peoples mindsets.
If that sounds pretentious, forgive me.  I go off of what I know.
And what I know is that even for a positive person by default, losing someone is like a steady stream of rain coming down even when you know its one of the sunniest of days and I know how overpowering that cold, unmerciful, thundering overcast is in your chest.  Its a sad place to be, and a seemingly inescapable one you know?  Its scary, and usually pretty uncharacteristic for most people.
Losing someone is confusing for me, because I am a fixer.
I like to find ways, or certain songs, things, or procedures that I know can fix myself, fix others, or fix situations to the best of my abilities. I have learned that most of the time, there is nothing another person can do to make ALL the sadness that comes with losing someone go away.
Over the course of my life so far, I have learned where to draw the line with others, as well as where I can offer any help.  I have also learned the point at which I need to say "I am here if you need me" and to step back a little.  Its hard to do that when I would much rather take it all away, and bring back the sunshine to you and clear up your mental overcast.
But this is not a post about me, or my feelings.  Its about what I have observed, and a reflection on how I see the way things unfold.  An effort to make sense of something that seems so brutal.
Sheesh.
What do you say to someone when they have lost someone?  How do you HELP that get better?
You don't want to tell them "I'm sorry" because deep down you know that is the one thing that emphasizes the vacancy that is their loss and you can't say "I know how you feel" because you don't and you never will know EXACTLY how they are feeling.  At the same time, if you don't say anything at all, you feel insensitive.  Its a fine line to walk.
Between the helplessness you feel due to an inability to make others feel completely restored to normal, and the stress of your own sadness, it becomes overwhelming.  It's suffocating, really.
Everyone handles it differently, too.  You can never bank on a constant reaction.  You have the people that wear emotions on their sleeve, you have those that clean, organize and busy them self so that they may not focus on their grief.  Some people get mad, questioning the universe and existence of gods, cursing them and calling them out for their seemingly cruel ploy to ruin their life.  You have people who pray, and believe in the other side, a beautiful Heaven or afterlife that you know your loved one is dancing around in, and take refuge in that.
There are people who focus on bettering themselves, people who move along and people who grieve openly, letting it all out in hopes that it might cleanse them and restore some order back to their life.
There is no wrong or right way to be sad, but what I think this world misses is the acceptance and encouragement of sadness.
I don't necessarily believe that you should allow yourself to dwell on it and I certainly don't condone a constant misery or being a permanently sad person, but I do believe in the human right to be sad.
It is a right that all people possess, but aren't always encouraged to exercise when necessary and I think there are times in which people need to be told its okay to openly cry, to grieve and to miss.  I firmly believe that if you allow yourself to be sad, you are accepting that life is a little broken and that means life can begin to be rebuilt again.
This might mean internally acknowledging it or laying in bed and acknowledging it or maybe it means crying to each and every person who opens their arms to you and asks "whats wrong?"
Losing someone will never feel right, and it will never feel fair.  I think that no matter if you are religious, non religious, or indifferent to it all, there will be a tiny piece of you that wonders "why me?"
This does not mean that your faith is invalid, nor that you are a pessimist, it merely means that you are human and you, plain and simple, have the right to be sad.
But I encourage you to put your faith into whatever you believe in, whether it be a God or higher power, new beginnings, or just a philosophy that tomorrow will be better.
I encourage you to remember to live life as the person you lost would like to have lived it.
Live it with a vengeance.
Instead of blaming the world and turning yourself into a victim, treat this world with kindness, doing all good things in the name and memory of yours lost.  That makes a far greater impact.
I suppose the positive side can be seen as fluffing up a tragedy, taking away from the importance of someones loss, or sugar coating something that doesn't deserve to be and I get that.
Sometimes, at least in my experience, it seems that the amount of sadness you proclaim is the sole testament to the importance of the person you lost.  I understand that, I have been there. It makes sense really, since no one can ever THOROUGHLY experience what you feel.
But I have also began to see that when I lose someone I care for, I can recount times in which I have been sad for other reasons and they have offered me pep up, positive advice and began to think that if they had been there now, they would have offered me the same sort of positive thought or piece of advice that would miraculously shine a ray of light into a seemingly eternal dark situation.  It sounds cliche, but there's a lot of truth in doing "what they would have wanted."
Most of all though, make sure you know and REMEMBER that you are allowed to be sad.
Sure enough, it's hard seeing the people you love sad, and its hard being sad yourself and really not being able to do anything right then to completely FIX it.  But what I have learned, is that there is a stark difference  between healing and fixing.  You can fix a broken book shelf.  You can look at its construction manual, buy the parts, and put it back together.
You can't completely fix a person.  You can't buy them a new heart, or a new mind, or remove the sadness from them, and replace it with something better. There are no manuals for people.
That's because people aren't fixed.  They are not objects.
People are HEALED.  And healing requires a far different approach than fixing.  Love unconditionally, and just remain THERE. Don't try and fix, rather help be a PART of the healing process.
Ultimately, you will come along when you know best, and when you are ready to move on.  It might not happen right away either.  There might be one defining moment that indicates you are on the road to being repaired and put back together, or it might be a gradual process.  You will cope as you need to, and your body, heart and life will follow.
Cry.
Yell.
Pray.
Love.
Run.
Sing.
Go.
Stop.
Sleep.
Start.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO.
But know that there is a lot to live for in this world, and I mean a LOT.  It might be harder to see it when your new burdens are placed on your shoulders.  But I just KNOW that there will be a day when you begin to use the heaviness as something to go off of, to stand on and to eventually help you get to the next thing.
Whoever they are, whether its a friend, a pet, a grandparent,a child.
They are always going to be with you.
At first, they might be with you as a sadness, an anxiety, an uneasiness, a motivator, a constant reset button.
BUT
they can become something much more.
They WILL become something much more.
They can become the sunset that you see standing on a beach.  They can become the elated finish of the Race for The Cure.  They can become the new puppy you give a home to.  They can become the hug you give to someone else.  They can become a reminder of the beautiful things in life, and the reason to live.  They can become something so grand and something so special to you, just as they were in physical being.
A little different, but still important.
And they'll always be THERE.
I promise its might seem far away, but let the days heal you, let your busyness be therapeutic, let your laziness be refreshing, let your bed feel safe for as long as you need protection from a sad reality, or let your lucky resilience propel you to leave the best mark on this world in honor of yours lost.
Most of all, let the people around you help heal you.  Sure, you are going to move at your own pace, and there is only so much others can do, but let them DO. You'll be amazed by how kind people are.  Give them a chance to remind you of the goodwill of people and let them hug you and tell you it will be okay because it will be one day.  Let them wipe your face, let them make you things, let them give you cards, and flowers.  Because while it may make your loss more real, its a true testament to your own importance and peoples desire to make sure you remember that there are always people around you who care.
You have the right to be sad.
You also have the right to recover.
Most of all you have the definite right to find a happiness, and a peace restored to you in whatever way you see that best, and the right to remember.
Those you have lost would thank you for loving them, remembering them, and recovering all in their name.
So be sad.
Know it's not easy, and that's okay.
And if you haven't been told yet, you are doing great, and it will all eventually be okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDVC_B7RzKg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUfVcLLvjo

Summer. How oddly poetic.

There is something oddly poetic about a summer night.

Something far different than any other night that is under the direction of school, work etc.

I am not sure I can explain it entirely, but there are certain nights in which every little thing seems to come together in a harmonic fashion: creating a large space in your chest completely taken over and invaded by feelings of freedom, genuine happiness excitement, and possibility.  Where you just get that feeling that possesses your whole body- the one where you look up at the sky and offer your arms out in a hug for the sky, and spin uncontrollably, unaware of who is watching; Only tuned into your epic happiness and your living in the moment of something great.

All year long, we build up our excitement towards our sunshiny break in which there are no deadlines, studying, trips to the library, and crappy food.  It goes by kind of fast, but slow.

We advance through football season, rebound after winter break and soon enough are catapulted into the longing feelings for our summer off.  

It approaches. 

SLOWLY, the more we wait for it.

But, it gets there, and the day you step foot off your campus, high school, work place etc., there is a sense of lightness you feel.  A burden being removed from your shoulders, and instead a cloud for you to sit on.  Its refreshing and freeing, and always received with open arms. 

I usually focus on just having a break; from everything- thinking in general to be more specific.  We get to break the bounds of schedules and routines and roam through the land of long nights and long days, a constant laughing and exchanging with friends, summer hair, tan skin, shoeless feet, trips with two hour planning in advance, convertibles, loud music, and a general understanding of not needing to worry about what might otherwise stress you out.  

The pressures of money, living situations, upcoming classes all seem to fade away upon summer approaching. 

Surely, we know that summer doesn't resolve this stress, but we give ourselves a break from it- an OK to push it out of our minds even for just a little while.

Really though,

Its the good nights that really relieve you of that tension.

Its the good summer NIGHTS in which you can truly lose yourself in the swirly abyss of fearlessness, and ease.

Its the nights that get to me. 

Maybe it's the tranquility that follows a really good night.  The pleasant quietness that gives you a chance to think.  To take everything in.  To truly appreciate how splendid this time is for us. This thinking is nice, and different, and relaxing and usually leads to an unbridled excitement from the memory you created.  

Like I said, its odd because I usually enjoy the thought of summer simply because I get a BREAK from thinking.  I no longer am required to direct a large amount of brain power towards things I am not particularly enjoying and instead get to trade that in for the luxury of mindless activities that I engage in without so much as putting a second of thought into it. 

Catching up with friends? Done.

Lay out on a dock?  Of course.

Take a spin around the town?  Shop?  Count me in.

A break.  

But thinking can be good.  Over thinking can be good.  As long as you are focusing on the right things.  As long as you are dedicating some time to over thinking about how awesome your nights are, and how lucky you are to experience such lengthy days with people you love, and embracing the opportunity to do things that are out of the ordinary. 

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE THINGS!

Honestly.

I love that summer offers us this free pass to say yes.  

To not feel threatened by what might come with it.  Its easy, and effortless and usually exactly what I and many others look for in an ideal 3 month hiatus.  But, what I have come to find is that summer time is so much more than just a break from thinking.  Its this wonderful opportunity we are presented with in which we can embrace our spontaneity.  We can hop into our cars and drive, without a reason and not be questioned.  It offers you an opportunity to do SO much.  To let go of things that were once hindering, and explore what can bring you up.  Its like every one is set on the same frequency- linked by a common telepathy that every chance you get to do something remarkable should be taken and not questioned or scrutinized.  But most of all..

Summer is just a time to restore hope in what you had once lost hope in.

Summer is the perfect opportunity to find yourself before you are forced to fit yourself into a schedule in which breaking or deterring often results in extremely unpleasant circumstances.  

SUMMER, man.  Its GREAT.

Summer means finding people whose presence and company alone makes your forget about those facebooking, twittering and texting you.  

Summer means feeling a sense of sadness as you approach your house after a night of pure enjoyment. 

Summer means driving past your house and taking the long way because your favorite song came on right before you turned into your driveway. 

Summer means laughing, and trying new things.

Summer means returning to your roots, but bringing your experiences in for reinforcements.

This time of the year means that you can blast your favorite song at the top of your lungs as you pass street lights, signs, exits and glance at the car next to you JUST in time to see them silently laughing at you, perhaps wondering where you must have been coming from to make you feel so alive. 
Summer is losing track of time because this time is not measured in minutes, but moments.  The greater the moments, the better the time. 

What makes me sad is that I hear people saying that summer isn't what they expected it to be, or it just wasn't as great as they were hoping.  

Well guess what?

Summer has stopped feeling so monumental because we are slowly forgetting that summer isn't just about laying back and taking a break, but simply spreading your time in other places that YOU want to.

MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

If you see summer being great, look at how you see summer being great and make it happen.  Your time here is only as good as the effort you put into it.  The way you treat your time will reflect what that time will do to you.

We should be excited.  STOKED.  This time of the year alone is good enough to us that we can work all day and still enjoy it.  

This time of year means you can discover so much about yourself in a summer night.  Perhaps the street lights shine brighter to you when you are happy and thankful, and you catch yourself 10 miles over the speed limit as you turn your radio up.  Perhaps you learn that you are only as bored as you let yourself think you are.  Perhaps you learn that saying "yes" and jumping into to situations you were once scared of is really not so hard when you have the essence of a summer night as your wingman.  

Your summer will only be as good as the good stuff you let in, and as monumental as the bad stuff you let go of.  This summer is great. Any summer can be great. 

But this summer man. T

his summer is poetic in every sense.  Spiraling through the unpredictable nights, the beautiful days, and these early mornings in which you can truly capture the full impact of a great summer day, and an even better night. 

There is just something about going throughout your day, without so much as thinking about anything but that moment, completely unaware of how much fun you are actually having, then having the chance to reflect on it all at the end of the day in ONE HUGE MOTION and taking in all the feelings that came with the day.  Its incredible.  Its like finding out your favorite band is coming to your city.  Or that your best friend will start working with you.  Or that maybe, you are finally doing something right and heading in the right direction.

Its amazing, and unbelievably elating.  

I feel like I have totally recaptured what I once saw summer to be.  Poetic, and unpredictable, full of opportunities and chances to say yes.  FULL of spontaneity and possibilities.  A perpetual feeling of being on the brink of doing something great and exciting.  It feels good to enjoy summer for everything its worth, and take advantage of all the great things that are often overlooked and can do you a whole lot of good. 

There is something nostalgic about creating your own fun, and not needing to rely on a schedule or a common area to do it for you.  I am entirely thankful for the summer nights that remind me that summer break isn't just about taking a break from thinking and dealing with reality, but a chance to remind yourself that there is so much to this life, and that when you combine the right amounts of thinking, and adventure, you are bound to create something memorable.  Something worth writing about.  Or something, I guess, strangely un-explainable  and oddly poetic.

Getting on the Boat.

Have you ever stood on a dock, and looked out at boats going off and feel stuck?  Held down by your own feet, and the un-moving dock, it's like you are a hostage to your own choice of staying firmly planted on the dock.
I feel like whenever I catch myself standing here, stuck somewhere in my life, I wish nothing more than to just find a boat, and escape. Away from the dock and its lack of potential.  To get a fresh start.
There is something so liberating about a fresh start.
Do you know what I mean?
Not just freeing or renewing, but total unbridled liberation that comes with the territory of a second chance, a new start, a redo, a fresh beginning.
I got caught up talking with my mom at a pizza shop the other day, and as we eagerly awaited for our hot pies to be made and ready to be taken home, we covered all sorts of topics.  Some random, some smalltalk-esque, and some interesting.
We engaged on the topic of history; how history is terrifyingly capable of doing so many things;
it can keep you with someone,
it can scar you,
it can motivate you,
it can be a scapegoat for behaviors and actions we take in our lives.
It all comes down to history.
How complicated history makes different interactions in your life feel.  Its almost unavoidable and nothing to be ashamed of.  Every human has history.  That's what MAKE us human!  Our experience of living, proof that we have done something on this earth.  But it can be used in different ways.
I personally use history as a reason to stay close- not stray far from the coupe if you will.  Have you ever realized how often we use HISTORY and its reliability and concreteness as reasons to settle, or to remain in a situation simply because there has been so much in the past that has led up to the moment you are in?
Yeah, it makes sense.  Sort of?
History is all about the past.  History is cluttered, and unchangeable.  That doesn't mean history and pasts are BAD or should NOT be taken into account, but the cold unwavering fact about history is that
a) it has come and gone
b) it is not always reminiscent of what is NOW
c) it is easy to get caught up in.  Good or bad.
We stick to good history because it offers a lifeline to hope that things could one day be as good as they once were.
On the other hand, We stick to bad history to keep ourselves safe and guarded from the chance of history repeating itself.
What we miss out on here, is that history is not active.  History teaches us lessons for how to deal with the future; it does not have the right to dictate
how we live it.
I have found that personally, in times of struggle, frustration or confusion, I fall back on what I have most history with; sports, places, people.
When I moved from my house of 16 years to my new house just two years ago, I was devastated because I felt that I was leaving behind so much history and past that I would not be able to move forward without that solid, unwavering foundation behind me.
It was scary.
I find I do this with sports and people just as bad.  Even if the history is bad or good, it still means you must have cared enough to hate it or love it at one point.  There is something relieving about having this behind you and knowing you wont be judged for it if you return to it because you have been there once before.
It is easy to go back to history, and it is as concrete as its memory.
You can count on history to be the same and you can predict how you will act and feel when you retreat back to the safety of living in history and the bond you share with memories.
The problem I face here, is while I have reduced the amount of anxiety I feel from proceeding with future endeavors by keeping one foot in the past JUST in case, I feel that I never get to totally move forward.  My foot is always standing on the dock of past, memories, what was and history while I am holding onto the boat of promise, future and opportunities.
And almost every time, I let go of the boat and decide it is far safer to keep both my feet planted on something I know wont move, vs. risking falling off the boat, having the boat sink, getting sick etc.
And almost every time, I wish I had gotten on that boat instead.
What I have learned over the course of this year, is it is okay to remember the past but it's not okay to live in it.  Something could have been good at one time: a place, a person, an activity etc.  But is the hope of holding onto that point in time worth the misery of the reality that it is not what you once knew it to be?
How bizarre is that.
We will go through years of doing something.  It will perhaps be a great period of our life, and we will hold that close and dear and near to our hearts and minds in hope that it will forever stay that way.
But, just as concrete as history is in this world, change acts the same way.
It WILL be present in everything we do.  You wont always see it coming, or welcome it, or be happy about it, but it will come.  It is inevitable.
But, before you have an anxiety attack, remember:
Just as easy, it could be GREAT change that you celebrate and rejoice over and thank the heavens for; a big break, a date on Saturday, a raise.  Remember!
You don't have to be what YOU once were either. You have the choice to be above what you ONCE where and embrace what you COULD be.  It's a two way street, a mutually benefiting relationship.
See, Change can be good to.
But here is how I see this working:
You hold onto something good and it turns bad.  It begins to stay bad for months, years.  You are sad and tired, yet you hold onto it in hopes that the thing you originally fell in love with is still there somewhere.  It might be, but after awhile, I firmly believe that by holding onto what was, you are giving up the chance to experience what could be.  A new opportunity you could take and be happy with is passing by, and you can't chase it because you are tied down to what "once was."
It will be different for everyone, you will know when what was once there is gone.  You may not want to face it, but I KNOW you will know.
Looking at this from that point of view, it really make sense when you look at like that does it?
Or you dwell on something bad that once happened to you.  I understand that when you are traumatized and scarred, it doesn't go away right away and as part of the body's natural defense, keeps it at the forefront of your mind so that it might not effect you in the future.
BUT
You are letting something that happened and cant be changed monopolize your life completely.  COMPLETELY!  And it cant be CHANGED!  Something unchangeable and something that has no hope of becoming different is dictating everything you do.
Once again, a crazy thing from this perspective, huh?
Here is what I have proposed to myself as a challenge that has immense payoff possibility and a change at giving me a huge margin of happiness.
Something YOU could try.
Look at what you have been through.
Good AND bad.
Is what you are faced with now what it once was?
Is the thing/person/place you are desperately holding onto what it was when you first had it?
There will be a chance to have things fixed, or repaired, I am not promoting an abandonment technique for all things that show a little change from the time that you first encountered them.
But what I AM suggesting is that perhaps you have changed as well.
And perhaps, in the midst of changing and the object of your affection or sadness changing, you re-evaluate how you continue to include it in your life.
Let me be clear... Don't forget about it.  All the history.  Like I said, I am not advocating you forget about the dock.  It serves a purpose to you know. And DEFINITELY don't try and FORCE yourself to forget it.
Because the one thing that makes getting off history training wheels harder is telling yourself you don't need it at all.
History will have made you what you are today and that is very important.  But what I do think is vital is making sure it doesn't hinder you.
So what if you had some great memories a year ago?
Are you miserable now?
Do you see yourself being happier with something else?
Maybe yes.
Then LET GO.
Acknowledge that you had some great memories and learned what you liked from your experience, but right NOW, the present, YOUR LIFE CURRENTLY is not benefiting from what this place/person/thing has become.
Is something bad getting in the way of something that could make you happy?
Are you miserable because of a past event?
Do you avoid chances of being happy because you are scared you will get hurt?
Well, acknowledge it, accept that it has perhaps tainted you, but it has simply taught what you don't want and allow yourself to find something you DO want.
A fresh start.
Not forgetting history, just not standing in it anymore.
A fresh start could be the big break you are waiting for.
It is amazing, as well as scary.  I am not saying that a fresh start will come without hardships, because when it comes right down to it, there is nothing written in stone saying that this life is SUPPOSED to be easy.
Not all good things come without struggle to make them better.
But, you will have transcended history, escaped its clutches and catapulted yourself into a whole new realm of potential and excitement.
Be STRONG through it.
You will be tempted by history, a repeat, a solidness.  An expected path of events, even if they are bad can sometimes be more comforting than experiencing an untamed excitement that has THE CHANCE to result in hurt.  But what is BETTER?
Remain in history and forever expect the bad and good?  Hold onto an eternal hope of something becoming what it once was?
Or JUMP.
LEAP.
SOAR
to the future and its endless possibilities.  All the AMAZING things that are sure to come with jumping off that dock and onto that boat.  Because while the boat has the chance to sink, get lost, or experience turbulence, it also offers the chance to see amazing things, adventure to some amazing place, take you and your love somewhere beautiful.
One thing is for sure,
whether your boat sinks or sails,
the DOCK will never take you anywhere.
SO.
Would you rather live in hold memories?
Or remember old memories and experience the giddiness that comes with unknown and promise?
A fresh start can be given to anyone.
A fresh start can be exactly what you need to push you towards the great things that could be and away from the depths of what once was.
Take it.
Do it.
You NEED it.
Everyone needs a fresh start sometimes.
Just be willing to face that you may need it, it may be hard,
but it will take you FAR more places than your dock
ever will.

Dealing with Permanence 101.

Do you ever go through random spouts of uneasiness?
Kind of like a lingering comfortableness that doesn't really appear to have a source or starting point?
Do you ever get that way?
Where you feel as though you have just walked into a room of people you do not know, and you just don't know where to put yourself?
Entirely misplaced.
While I don't get this feeling often, it does occur from time to time and leaves me restless, easily irritated, and more insightful than usual.  It seems to appear out of nowhere and sometimes, disappears in the blink of an eye.  Yeah, I feel as though these feelings stem from a multitude of things.  One of the main things I feel derives these feelings is the idea of
permanence.
That sounds strange, I know, but as I was thinking about it last night, I came to find that nothing pushes me out of my own realm of comfort quite like being faced with situations in which a permanent conclusion needs to be made.
Naturally, there is a sense of certainty that you need to have when making choices or facing situations in which a permanent solution, consequence, or verdict needs to be made.  Even more so, making choices and being able to feel COMFORTABLE about that decision. I would say most people sometimes lack that certainty, I being one of them.  Frankly, its natural.
Now I'm not saying in order to be certain, you need to know the RIGHT thing to do every time you have to decide something, I am just suggesting that in order to keep peace in your mind when making choices, you need to have a confidence that you are making the BEST choice you can make for you at the time.  An understanding that you only know what you know now and whatever you decide to do is best for the state you are at in that exact moment.  I don' think its easy for people to see it that way, because it is kind of odd.
I know I struggle with this sometimes, but doing the opposite doesn't exactly fix problems either.
I think the problem I personally posses is that while I don't ENTIRELY lack a certainty in decision making, I try to compensate by attempting to project every move I can make.
I suppose saying that is a little over generalized, because I do feel fine about almost all choices I make. But, at times like this when I really begin to question why "permanence" really throws me out of my natural orbit, I begin to really disect the nitty gritty parts of my mindsets because it gets me EVERY time.
The way I see it, the way to deal with permanence most effectively, is to choose the option
NOW that will give you the LEAST amount of regret LATER.  Its become a philosophy of mine. It doesn't always help me, but its become the baseline code for me to process decisions.
Every choice I make is a direct reflection of how I believe it will either add or take away from the (hopefully) successful and ideal future I want for myself.  It seems to make sense you know?  When you think about it, this would seem like probably the safest way to approach life.  I acknowledge the potential for failure and unhappiness, investigate the options I have to prevent it, and eliminate it before it even has the chance to even reveal itself; what I have come to find, a bulletproof plan.  The funny thing about this is, even though its a nice system to filter out poor choices, it doesn't evade PERMANENCE.
How humbling.
Just when I feel like I have tricked this world out of handing me difficulty, I come to find it is one step ahead of me, ready to show me another side.  But this is good, because without difficulty we have no opportunity to learn and no experience to help us grow and expand our understanding of life and the ways it works.
I came to find even the most brilliant plan to aid me in good decision making 101 STILL does not get me off the hook for having to deal with living the results of
1 choice
without totally knowing its implications.  You can't predict everything!
My main problem does not lie within the making of the choice, but the ability to live with only one set of results.  Sometimes, you can do something in which you get the "best of both worlds" and don't have to make a choice in which you are choosing one thing over the other.  Most of the time though, we do not get this lucky.
Here's how it goes.
You are presented with a few scenarios that you can choose, all leading to different destinations.  Perhaps you want both, but one path prevents you from reaching the other.  And no matter what either path holds you choose, you have to continue walking down the one you DO choose, regardless of how dark, windy, or messy it gets.  That is a truly scary concept for me.  You make a choice, and you have to live with it, and give up the possibilities of the other one.
What I am learning to deal with is that concreteness does not have to be so looming.  I have been fearful of committing to anything that I cannot turn back on in fear that I might become unhappy and can't get away from it.  I saw a tattoo the other day that read, "life over regrets" and I think this is a very, very good thing to remember.
You don't want to run away from anything permanent for so long that the only thing that becomes concrete is the uncertainty.  To me, having uncertainty become the only permanent thing in life is far more eery than that of willingly making a choice and living with its CERTAIN results.  Living away from regret is not living.  That is no way to actually THRIVE!
If we want to get the most out of this life, we need to swallow our spinach, reveal our muscles, pull up our big kid pants, and charge the future like we know we can seize it.
Because we can.
This damned fear of making the wrong choice, or living with a permanent choice and regretting not taking the other option you had once been presented with is a poisonous thought process.  There is no such thing as "what could have been" because what could have been
will never exist.
You could torture yourself with what another choice could have done for you, or made you but at the end of the day, you really don't know if that choice that may seem appealing way longer after you chose not to take it would have actually hurt you more.
What ifs are pointless, unrealistic, and a useless way to deal with the permanent style of this life.  Life is HAPPENING. THINGS are happening.  Don't let life just happen to you.  Put your damn foot down and be confident in choices you make and make those choices work for YOU.  You may not always make the "right" choice or the "best" choice (whatever that EVEN means) but what you CAN do is when you make a  choice, you MAKE that choice.  And DEAL with it.  The GOODs and the bads.  Good things can come from any choice or decision you make.  Seek permanence as a chance to get a grip on life, not as a thing to avoid.
Its hard.  
It will take experience, a lot of trial and error, and a lot of faith to let go and DEAL with everything you do and take FULL accountability for it.  Don't turn your head back the second you make something certain. Instead, put a lot of thought in BEFORE you make your choice.  That makes living with your choices easier, and more peaceful.  Think before, that way you dont stress after.  There are so many times in our lives where making a permanent decision will be the best thing you can do.  Marriage, college, house buying etc.  You will have to make a choice and live with the goods of one thing, or the goods of another.
Opportunity Cost.
What's worth what?
All I can say is I personally am trying to learn to adapt better to situations in which I feel I am losing control when in reality I should be taking control.  Making a decision isn't about giving something up, its about gaining something FOR GOOD.  Something certain, reliable, and CONCRETE.  Something you can build on, and count on.   That's a VERY good thing for a person to have.  And with that thought, comes a little refuge for an analytic mind.
Close your eyes, breathe, and embrace the chance to have something solid because YOU choose it to be that way.  Its a powerful feeling, yeah?  Permanence is ominous from a distance, but up close, it should be seen as a sanctuary for foundation and consistency.  That doesn't make it easy, or fun all the time, but consistent; something you can prepare for and expect.  And remember, nothing is TRULY TRULY TRULY 100% permanent, but ideally, it would be nice to have everything work out in the long run.  That is the goal we should work towards, and feel good about.
That alone will put your mind at ease.
But, chances are, you will have moments where things just feel
awkward,
strange,
out of place.
And there may be MANY different reasons this is so, but when dealing with the root of the feelings be ASSERTIVE.  Make a PERMANENT choice to keep them away.  It will help.  And when those feeling resurface, and you find yourself feeling as though are are back in that room, standing in the midst of people you don't know, make the conscience decision to reach your hand out, introduce yourself and PLACE yourself there.  That lingering uncomfortableness will disapate, and that uneasyness will retreat.  Because with making decisions and accepting the permanent effects that come with them, you will feel a sense of control, a sense of belonging, and a sense empowerment that all comes from making that first move, accepting its presence and being willing to enjoy the ride it will take you on.

Loving.

I hated Love for a long time.
I couldn't figure out what it meant to love, or be loved.  Which was associated with Love?
I am not entirely sure why I felt so bitter towards it, but I disagreed with everything that love had been made out to be.
The way I saw it, Love meant you gave up rights to your own life, lost your Independence, and surrendered to the world that you were truly not complete without the bond of someone else.
That idea can be extremely threatening to certain people, I being one of them.  People that need to prove themselves for some reason they hold over their own being, perhaps as a token of proof against others who doubt your resilience, or maybe even people that had taken on a Love that fell short and felt that they gave up those things for nothing and now spend various amounts of time trying to gain them back.
Over the course of a year, I have realized that Love itself is an obnoxious thing to talk about.  Love has been shed in so many different lights that its meaning has been twisted and contorted so many times and ways that people don't truly know what they are talking about when they discuss "Love."
I feel as though "Love" isn't even discussed about, but GOSSIPED about.  I was very cynical about it, and began questioning what really composed "LOVE."
Is love giving up those things?
Is love defined as another persons happiness is your own?
Is love defined as a willingness to give someone up for the sake of their own desires?
Or is love just plain vague and people throw it around so they sound more in touch with emotions?
To be honest, I hate discussing Love as if its a person that needs defining.  You could spend hours trying to pinpoint how to achieve Love, or what Love is and still not grasp the concept of it or feel you didn't get it "right".
And even then, if you do manage to personally define love, you have just put yourself in a position to find a person that you can see yourself fitting into that definition.  And doing that could be very different than just LOVING them.  What if your definition is someone else's?  Or some one's expectation?  You could be at risk for finding someone you actually DON'T love so that you can put your mind at ease for others.
So seriously here,
WHAT?
WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
AND
How ridiculous is it that people set a TIME limit on how long someone has to wait until they can use the word "Love?"  You know why I think that happens?  Because people are terrified not of LOVING but scared that they cant fulfill whatever strange definition they have set LOVE to be standard at.
When you are simply LOVING somebody, why should you have to wait?  Perhaps, in the natural act of loving someone, you say I love you because you find yourself LOVING them.  Shouldn't feelings of "Love" be natural?
And mind you, particular feelings that come natural and are
WONDERFUL AND UNIQUE?
No wonder people complain about love.
They are running in circles trying to figure out if they have the right definition or if they are truly in love when in reality its not something you can put to a test and get a pass/fail answer.
No WONDER
my newsfeeds and dashboards are filled with complaints and declarations about the complications of love.  Because we are SO afraid of messing up, or not fulfilling the expected way things "should be" that we find ourselves fighting the
naturalness
of it and trying to find an answer for something that shouldn't even be questioned in the first place.
Well.
THIS
is what I know for sure.
a) Love is not a person.
b) Love is not a thing you can hold and describe.
and c) Love is something that does not have one universal definition.
If something doesn't have a commonly accepted definition, perhaps that's a sign that its different for everyone and should stop being discussed and scrutinized and dissected.  Its specific to each person, not a one size fits all case.
Honestly,
Is it so hard to be LOVING and be LOVED in return?
We are fragile, some of us broken, some of us intact and some of us repaired.
We protect our breakable selves by using the power of definition to keep our feelings under control and in order.  But then, while we may accomplish this,
are we LOVING?  Or carrying out an organized set of procedures that are safe?
Sometimes, we must break to become stronger.  Sometimes, we must break to know what can stand.
If we define one concept that fits everyone differently, I truly believe that we are going to royally sabotage the possibility of just LOVING.
Honestly, What I find far more enchanting is the ACT of loving and the ACT of being loved in return.
You can't define LOVING because its just a thing you do, an action you carry out without a sense of obligation or acknowledgement.  You find yourself Loving.
You don't pass a LOVING test.
You will find yourself loving in moments that are easy.
or difficult.
You may find yourself loving and it might catch you off guard.
You can be LOVING someone and not feel the pressures that come with LOVE.
You may find yourself doing it without any complications.
ITS POSSIBLE.
No one wants to define Loving because the magic is removed when you start trying to uncover its secrets. Perhaps you understand what I mean.
No one wants to try and describe it because the act of loving isn't comparable and something you have to experience to understand.  Is it so far fetched that LOVE itself is this way too?  Love is just something you have to experience and become in touch with as your find yourself Loving in your own way.
Loving has no standards, rules, or checkpoints you have to pass to qualify you as "doing it right".  No one sets up marks you have to clear your feelings through.
You just do it.
Why should the supposedly greatest thing in this world be so damn complicated?
When there is no reason to make it so.  Just be loving.  Do LOVING.  Let go of this ridiculous need to put yourself in a box.
LOVING is not a level reached or a thing you have achieved.  LOVING is doing and LOVING is powerful.
Loving is easier.  I am amazed by how complicated "Love" has become.  I am scared to fall in love for my fear of falling short of the definition I will try to manifest so that I can make sense of my feelings and not be so fearful of the unknown.
But if I have learned anything, being scared is okay.  But its only okay if you turn it into something positive.  Determination, Motivation or Excitement.  Find your own desire to adventure into the unknown and I gaurentee you will find yourself barreling down the greatest adventure of your life.   This concept of "Love" and its ambiguity can make relationships stressful, questionable and nerve wracking as if its a daunting person looking over you waiting to interject between you and another.
But if you can turn to LOVING first, you will find that maybe LOVE will turn into whatever you create with someone else instead of something that has to be reached.
I have found that I no longer hate Love.  I can't say I fully understand it, but I certainly don't feel hostile towards the feelings of it.
Now, instead of Love being a preconceived expectation that is supposed to be reached, it is something that will be sculpted and colored and created based on your ways of LOVING.  Love is the pleasant surprise that forms from the acts of Loving.  Love is the endpoint.  Love is made.  Love is not a thing, or a person, or an expectation.  On the contrary, Love is the RESULT of expectations, and things, and persons. Love is the combination of you Loving, and you being Loved in Return.

3%

I don't think I believe in the theory that post high school, you will only talk to approximately 3% of the people you had been friends with.
While the number varies, generally its a very small percentage.  High School has been interpreted by most as a meager stepping stone,
an unnoticeable segway,
a time period you merely need to "get through"
so that you may pass go, collect $200 and advance to the "bigger and better life" of college.  Now I'm not here to dispute the enormity of a college experience, because the enjoyment that comes from new friends, Independence, and the enter into adulthood is incomparable and really, really not debatable.  I'm also not here to argue that you will or will not talk to people after you wave so long to your hometown and drive off to your college campus, but what I have come to find is that contrary to the popular belief, high school wasn't so bad.
However, the classes may have occasionally felt sub par, schooling systems a little erratic, and drama and immaturity a little more prevalent than any student would like, but I don't think its possible to see high school in its entirety until you are
past it.
And not just the day after you walk across the stage with your diploma, or the day you are dropped off in your empty dorm room, but the summer following the summer you graduate.
I attended a graduation party yesterday for a friend of mine who I had grown very close with over the course of high school.  Two of my best friends and I had come together, and were partaking in the usual festivities that we too had gone through for our own grad parties just one year ago.  What we unanimously noticed was how long ago it felt like we had been here.  It was truly surreal how OLD we felt as guests when in reality, we had never felt OLDER at this time when we had been hosts not too long ago.
We were filled in on high school life we had missed as freshman in college, and while we listened intently, I couldn't help but feel OLD.  I'm not old!  I'm only a year (and for some not even a year) older than all these people here and we had all been inseparable for our three years together. They began to talk about how excited they were to just get to college and get away from high school "life" and wow did it hit me.
I remember saying all those exact same things.
I realized that its not the AGE that made us old, I wasn't trying to assert my one year age difference on these graduates, but the experience of college aged us substantially and was something we realized no one else at this party could relate too.  As we heard them giddily talking about "finally getting away" I realized that was precisely what made me feel old.  I remembered saying that and now, after a year of turbulence in good changes and difficult changes, felt a new appreciation for staying close.
Upon returning from the year that I excitedly flocked to so that I may too "get away from high school life" I realized that while getting away from high school can definitely be justified, its best to keep in mind not to run too fast.
The people you meet in high school that you come to love and grow with transcend the sheer transitional period that high school is "supposed" to be. They play a far greater role in your life than just  people who help you "transition."  These people have helped me SURVIVE.  High school is easy, but its HARD.  I hope you know what I mean.
There is a far different relationship that is established within that of your high school friends.  Whether you come out of high school with a "usual crew of people" who had been together since day 1 of freshman year, or 2 friends who had been steadfast through it all, their company will always feel different to you than that of any other group you meet.
I guarantee you, you will not notice this until you experience a year of college.
You will meet some of the most amazing people in college.  People with vast experiences, backgrounds, and stories to contribute to the absolutely stupendous relationships you will create. And you will have these same qualities to contribute to them.
It will be incredible and different and meeting these people will be life changing.  You may know what I am talking about when I say this, or you may not quite be there yet, but you have everything to look forward to in a college experience, wherever you are going.
But, from what I have found, you will naturally take the original crew, or few steadfast friends for granted as you move through the summer together.  And honestly, its kind of inevitable.  Their presence is so expected and common that you will not see the unique, valuable friendships you have with these people until that usual presence and expected familiarity is gone.  Suddenly, you will not have the people who have known you in your most awkward years next to you, or the people who suffered through your breakup of your first love with you, or the people who naturally came together as they became exposed to the adult world with you.  You will never find people like THIS anywhere else.  People that you go through "firsts" with will naturally reserve a special place in your heart, and you wont know it until the people you start meeting
haven't been through firsts with you yet.
You'll have to start over, and the firsts you go through with them will be different. They'll be more grown up firsts, not the innocent firsts, experimental firsts, and truly enthralling firsts of just being YOUNG.
Chances are, you will find this out when you start college and find yourself not wanting to have to explain yourself to anyone.  Granted, meeting people is AWESOME.  But you will feel a pining for that high school nostalgia, the ease that came with it all, and will likely come to realize that those bonds are specific to that experience you "got through" together.
You'll miss them.
You may only talk to them a few times during your freshman year, or maybe every day or week or find time to skype.  If your high school experience is anything like mine, you will be able to see these people a year later with perhaps very little communication, and you will be able to revert back as if no time had passed.  And you will be OVERWHELMINGLY grateful for this.
The important thing to know is that these people are so important in who you became.  They saw you change, they saw you at your best, they saw you at your worst.  You only "get through" high school once and the people that helped you do it will suddenly become so much more important to you when no longer have to just "get through" something with them.  You will be able to reflect back, and laugh, and smile and feel a sense of comfort in knowing you all got through it TOGETHER.
When you can just be around them that summer after you all get back through college, you will feel a new sense of satisfaction in their company.  It will feel like the old days, but easier.  No more pressures from high school lingering over your heads.
You all can just BE.
And that doesn't sound like much, but that feeling is the reward for putting up with the crap that naturally comes with the high school experience.  That nostalgic reuniting is beautiful. You will look around at everyone and see changes in their face, maybe they've gotten taller, maybe they've matured (even better maybe they haven't).  But as you all return to your roots, and interact the same way you remember from high school, the same people you loved, broke up with, were broken up with, fought with, cried with, laughed with, celebrated with, graduated with, and grew with will start to show through.  Even after a year of growing, change, and drifting apart, you all will return to what you know best.  Being the friends that survived high school together.  And being the friends that made high school what it was together.  They will be more than the 3%.  They will be 100% of the people you were with in high school.  You will only go through high school ONCE. ONE time to experience proms, Friday night lights, small town rivalries, easy school, freedom to run around, and the comfortably of knowing that the experience you are going through together will be what KEEPS you together.  There will only be ONE group of people that went through high school with you.  Just like there will be ONE group you take to when you graduate college.  But high school is different.  Simple, and nostalgic.

There will be people you fight with, don't get along with, had your heart broken by, and fell out with.  You will have the chance to fix these problems, or move on.  HIGH SCHOOL HAPPENS ONCE!  Don't waste your precious time with people who aren't going to contribute to that feeling of friendship that comes from your own "crew" of people.  Focus on the people you will want to have the reunion with that summer after freshman year.  The group might change throughout the year, but I bet you will find yourself coming back to your original people.  And its great.

So don't forget about your 3%.  I mean maybe I do believe in it.  But when you think of that 3% think of it differently than "just staying in contact with like 6 people from high school."  These people are SPECIAL. Remember that as you move through senior year, or summer between senior year and college, and especially your freshman year.  Because if you appreciate this 3%, and make every effort to acknowledge the positive vibe that the group creates, you're going to find high school wasn't so bad.  You will be so thankful for that experience bringing you together with some of the best people who understand you far differently and deeper than anyone else will.  You may only talk to 3% of the people out of high school.  But if that 3% is your crew, your wing men, your best friends, your steadfast two some, than that is enough.  Because if you can create an atmosphere that indicates nothing has changed even after you all have embarked on your separate adventures post high school, than you are talking to 100% of the people that truly mattered.