Utterly Confused.

#
I am utterly confused and taking it out on you.
Nothing I write feels fitting,
But I don't quite feel like quitting.

There is a tension riding my veins
Galloping towards my heart
And my head.
Raising chaos in its wake.

Perhaps I am seeking out retribution
For a wrong I feel done to me.
Unwarranted.
Its possible.
Plausible.
Abhorrent.

I am utterly confused and seeking you out.
I am heartbroken and unsure what to do.
Fear has stood in for your absence.
Unsure how to miss you.

Do I miss you hard?
Soft?
Loud?
How am I supposed to sound?
What might ease,
Please,
Cease it?

I am utterly confused.
I am bruised.
Feeling used
Up.
I gargle the words I want to say,
And spit them out.
Let them swirl down the drain
I turn on the spout.

I want to fill the space between us
With words that sparkle.
Shine,
Words divine
Much
Like How
I feel inside.

I hold back.
Unsure if you want to be missed that way.
Do you?

I look to the mirror.

Water to my face,
Face to the floor.
Hands to cheeks.
Eyes to lids.

I'm utterly confused.
And
I guess
I'm figuring it out.

We can only do so much.

We can only do so much.
But we do so much
Only
To feel like our so much
Is enough.
Coming up short,
Facing
Short comings.
We can only do so much.
So much we can do,
For our only.
Trying to feel like their only
So much.
So, so much.
We try do so much.
We can only do so much.

Baring it.

I miss you more than I can bare sometimes
When I wake up in the morning
Disappointment crawls into bed with me
I ride a high
So high
Trying to rise above
The unbearable
But sometimes
I miss you so bad I can't bare it
I drink until the liquor fills the void you left
I drink in place of drinking you up
Letting it fill me up instead of you
Only to find there is a hole in the bottom of my glass
Where your hands used to be.
 I miss you more than I can bare sometimes
But I bare it
And bare it
And bare it
Until the next time I can't.

Warmer.

Warmer

You were warmer, it was warmer.
Our hearts were warmer.
Together,
Love swarmed her.
But up in the sky
No longer warmer
He warned her.
It'll be colder,
And harder,
There will be
No cutting corners.
With distance aside,
And time's hand forced,
To only move forward
So will I.
I can already feel it
Getting warmer.

Departing LA. The First Glimmer of Hope. 11/7/16

Why am I sad all the time?

Why am I sad all the time?





I wanted to answer this question a million different ways.

I wanted to say, "You don't have to be."
I wanted to say, "Think of happier days."
I wanted to say, "It will get better."
I wanted to say, "You're so beautiful when you're happy.  Please, don't feel sad."
I wanted to say, "I love you!  Does that make it better?"
I wanted to say, "I feel everything you feel infinitely and intensely.  I cry for your sadness."
I wanted to say, "What can I say or do to make it better?"
I wanted to say, "Find something that makes you happy.  Anything.  Please."
I wanted to say, "You don't deserve to feel sad all the time."


Instead, as you laid your head on my shoulder, I said, "I don't know."

But to be honest, I wanted to tell you everything.  I wanted to tell you so much more than that.  I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry you feel sad all the time.  I wanted to tell you I ache for all the times you feel sad for no reason, and for every time I see sudden grief strike your gaze.  I want to tell you how badly I don't want you to feel guilty.  I know you will because I know you have a tendency to see yourself as a burden on others.  I wanted to tell you its okay to feel sadness because I know you can't help it.  I wanted to tell you how much I love you no matter what you feel.  I wanted to tell you we would figure it out together, and we would find a way to fight the sadness together.  I have such a difficult time understanding sudden sadness, and often times I find it hard to not take it upon myself to fix it.   And the frustration that settles in when I can't is almost unfathomable.  But, despite this attribute of mine, I am able to realize sometimes these sadnesses can't be fixed.  I know you know I know that. But I wish I could express to you how badly I wish I could fix it for you.  Not that you need to be fixed in any way, but seeing you feel so debilitated... I just wish I could wash it away.  Bring the lightness I am fortunate enough to see in you out all the time.  Have I ever told you how lovely you are when that young, kind soul shines through?  You're absolutely stunning.  You're a million lightbulbs.  I wish I had the guts to tell you I listened to about a million sad songs tonight to find some sense of clarity in the sadness you feel.  A common language I could speak so that you might see how much I understand. Instead, I just cried.  I cried hard. I cried for all the sadness you feel.  I tell you this not because I want you to feel guilty or responsible or like you are a burden, but because the love I feel for you is so immense, I can't stand the thought of you bearing such sadness alone. And I wont let you bear it alone.  But I promise, I will maintain my light for you. I'm learning to be better at handing these confusing feelings of mine.  I have a horrid habit of seeing fault in myself when someone else is sad, and I have a selfishness when it comes to mending peoples hearts.  In time, I will understand that I can't be the reason you just don't feel sad anymore.  One day, I will be okay with that.

But I wont be okay with you being sad all the time.  I will be understanding, I will be sympathetic and I will love you through every dark space you encounter and every scary bout of confusing peril you find yourself drowning in.  But I will never accept perpetual sadness as a way of life for you.  I will fight a hundred times to maintain a light in your life, and to inspire and warm you.  I will fight ferociously to not let darkness make itself at home in you, and I will never be tolerant of sadness settling in you because I will never stop fighting for your happiness.   I will never stop fighting for you.

When you asked me why you were sad all the time, this is what I meant to say.  This is what I wish I had said.

I hope you find this.