The Right to be Sad

It has been a while since I have written about anything.
Generally, I wait for that "umph" of motivation I get when something dawns on me or I dive into a thought process that leads me to a widened perspective that can only be fostered and further understood/accepted by placing a pen on paper or moving my fingers across the keys of a computer.
The last few days, I have been rolling around thoughts in my mind, trying to decide whether or not writing them down would be
a) worth it or
b) appropriate to put out to those who may or may not know me personally.  I'm not confrontational by nature, and I certainly don't like upsetting people.
I suppose it took a few recent events for me to realize that perhaps the thoughts I am thinking are running through others minds as well and that perhaps seeing them in black and white might bring a subconscious kinship and relief to anyone who might read this, and know that there is someone out there who can relate.
Wow. LOSING someone.
It is never any easier to hear or digest.
It seems like a lot to deal with as a mere human being, placed on this earth with  people to count on that can be taken from us all to quickly sometimes.
And frankly, anytime is too quickly.
Goodness gracious, there is no graceful or easy or light way to put it.
It just sucks ya know.
Whether you are so desperately trying to help someone who has lost someone, or you are dealing with the loss yourself.
Its like no words feel right, no actions feel justified and no attempts to improve the current state of confusion and apparent betrayal from life seem to matter.
I hate to sound so dark and negative, but I am also realistic and I KNOW that this or some variation of those feelings might pass through most peoples mindsets.
If that sounds pretentious, forgive me.  I go off of what I know.
And what I know is that even for a positive person by default, losing someone is like a steady stream of rain coming down even when you know its one of the sunniest of days and I know how overpowering that cold, unmerciful, thundering overcast is in your chest.  Its a sad place to be, and a seemingly inescapable one you know?  Its scary, and usually pretty uncharacteristic for most people.
Losing someone is confusing for me, because I am a fixer.
I like to find ways, or certain songs, things, or procedures that I know can fix myself, fix others, or fix situations to the best of my abilities. I have learned that most of the time, there is nothing another person can do to make ALL the sadness that comes with losing someone go away.
Over the course of my life so far, I have learned where to draw the line with others, as well as where I can offer any help.  I have also learned the point at which I need to say "I am here if you need me" and to step back a little.  Its hard to do that when I would much rather take it all away, and bring back the sunshine to you and clear up your mental overcast.
But this is not a post about me, or my feelings.  Its about what I have observed, and a reflection on how I see the way things unfold.  An effort to make sense of something that seems so brutal.
Sheesh.
What do you say to someone when they have lost someone?  How do you HELP that get better?
You don't want to tell them "I'm sorry" because deep down you know that is the one thing that emphasizes the vacancy that is their loss and you can't say "I know how you feel" because you don't and you never will know EXACTLY how they are feeling.  At the same time, if you don't say anything at all, you feel insensitive.  Its a fine line to walk.
Between the helplessness you feel due to an inability to make others feel completely restored to normal, and the stress of your own sadness, it becomes overwhelming.  It's suffocating, really.
Everyone handles it differently, too.  You can never bank on a constant reaction.  You have the people that wear emotions on their sleeve, you have those that clean, organize and busy them self so that they may not focus on their grief.  Some people get mad, questioning the universe and existence of gods, cursing them and calling them out for their seemingly cruel ploy to ruin their life.  You have people who pray, and believe in the other side, a beautiful Heaven or afterlife that you know your loved one is dancing around in, and take refuge in that.
There are people who focus on bettering themselves, people who move along and people who grieve openly, letting it all out in hopes that it might cleanse them and restore some order back to their life.
There is no wrong or right way to be sad, but what I think this world misses is the acceptance and encouragement of sadness.
I don't necessarily believe that you should allow yourself to dwell on it and I certainly don't condone a constant misery or being a permanently sad person, but I do believe in the human right to be sad.
It is a right that all people possess, but aren't always encouraged to exercise when necessary and I think there are times in which people need to be told its okay to openly cry, to grieve and to miss.  I firmly believe that if you allow yourself to be sad, you are accepting that life is a little broken and that means life can begin to be rebuilt again.
This might mean internally acknowledging it or laying in bed and acknowledging it or maybe it means crying to each and every person who opens their arms to you and asks "whats wrong?"
Losing someone will never feel right, and it will never feel fair.  I think that no matter if you are religious, non religious, or indifferent to it all, there will be a tiny piece of you that wonders "why me?"
This does not mean that your faith is invalid, nor that you are a pessimist, it merely means that you are human and you, plain and simple, have the right to be sad.
But I encourage you to put your faith into whatever you believe in, whether it be a God or higher power, new beginnings, or just a philosophy that tomorrow will be better.
I encourage you to remember to live life as the person you lost would like to have lived it.
Live it with a vengeance.
Instead of blaming the world and turning yourself into a victim, treat this world with kindness, doing all good things in the name and memory of yours lost.  That makes a far greater impact.
I suppose the positive side can be seen as fluffing up a tragedy, taking away from the importance of someones loss, or sugar coating something that doesn't deserve to be and I get that.
Sometimes, at least in my experience, it seems that the amount of sadness you proclaim is the sole testament to the importance of the person you lost.  I understand that, I have been there. It makes sense really, since no one can ever THOROUGHLY experience what you feel.
But I have also began to see that when I lose someone I care for, I can recount times in which I have been sad for other reasons and they have offered me pep up, positive advice and began to think that if they had been there now, they would have offered me the same sort of positive thought or piece of advice that would miraculously shine a ray of light into a seemingly eternal dark situation.  It sounds cliche, but there's a lot of truth in doing "what they would have wanted."
Most of all though, make sure you know and REMEMBER that you are allowed to be sad.
Sure enough, it's hard seeing the people you love sad, and its hard being sad yourself and really not being able to do anything right then to completely FIX it.  But what I have learned, is that there is a stark difference  between healing and fixing.  You can fix a broken book shelf.  You can look at its construction manual, buy the parts, and put it back together.
You can't completely fix a person.  You can't buy them a new heart, or a new mind, or remove the sadness from them, and replace it with something better. There are no manuals for people.
That's because people aren't fixed.  They are not objects.
People are HEALED.  And healing requires a far different approach than fixing.  Love unconditionally, and just remain THERE. Don't try and fix, rather help be a PART of the healing process.
Ultimately, you will come along when you know best, and when you are ready to move on.  It might not happen right away either.  There might be one defining moment that indicates you are on the road to being repaired and put back together, or it might be a gradual process.  You will cope as you need to, and your body, heart and life will follow.
Cry.
Yell.
Pray.
Love.
Run.
Sing.
Go.
Stop.
Sleep.
Start.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO.
But know that there is a lot to live for in this world, and I mean a LOT.  It might be harder to see it when your new burdens are placed on your shoulders.  But I just KNOW that there will be a day when you begin to use the heaviness as something to go off of, to stand on and to eventually help you get to the next thing.
Whoever they are, whether its a friend, a pet, a grandparent,a child.
They are always going to be with you.
At first, they might be with you as a sadness, an anxiety, an uneasiness, a motivator, a constant reset button.
BUT
they can become something much more.
They WILL become something much more.
They can become the sunset that you see standing on a beach.  They can become the elated finish of the Race for The Cure.  They can become the new puppy you give a home to.  They can become the hug you give to someone else.  They can become a reminder of the beautiful things in life, and the reason to live.  They can become something so grand and something so special to you, just as they were in physical being.
A little different, but still important.
And they'll always be THERE.
I promise its might seem far away, but let the days heal you, let your busyness be therapeutic, let your laziness be refreshing, let your bed feel safe for as long as you need protection from a sad reality, or let your lucky resilience propel you to leave the best mark on this world in honor of yours lost.
Most of all, let the people around you help heal you.  Sure, you are going to move at your own pace, and there is only so much others can do, but let them DO. You'll be amazed by how kind people are.  Give them a chance to remind you of the goodwill of people and let them hug you and tell you it will be okay because it will be one day.  Let them wipe your face, let them make you things, let them give you cards, and flowers.  Because while it may make your loss more real, its a true testament to your own importance and peoples desire to make sure you remember that there are always people around you who care.
You have the right to be sad.
You also have the right to recover.
Most of all you have the definite right to find a happiness, and a peace restored to you in whatever way you see that best, and the right to remember.
Those you have lost would thank you for loving them, remembering them, and recovering all in their name.
So be sad.
Know it's not easy, and that's okay.
And if you haven't been told yet, you are doing great, and it will all eventually be okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDVC_B7RzKg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUfVcLLvjo