The Right to be Sad

It has been a while since I have written about anything.
Generally, I wait for that "umph" of motivation I get when something dawns on me or I dive into a thought process that leads me to a widened perspective that can only be fostered and further understood/accepted by placing a pen on paper or moving my fingers across the keys of a computer.
The last few days, I have been rolling around thoughts in my mind, trying to decide whether or not writing them down would be
a) worth it or
b) appropriate to put out to those who may or may not know me personally.  I'm not confrontational by nature, and I certainly don't like upsetting people.
I suppose it took a few recent events for me to realize that perhaps the thoughts I am thinking are running through others minds as well and that perhaps seeing them in black and white might bring a subconscious kinship and relief to anyone who might read this, and know that there is someone out there who can relate.
Wow. LOSING someone.
It is never any easier to hear or digest.
It seems like a lot to deal with as a mere human being, placed on this earth with  people to count on that can be taken from us all to quickly sometimes.
And frankly, anytime is too quickly.
Goodness gracious, there is no graceful or easy or light way to put it.
It just sucks ya know.
Whether you are so desperately trying to help someone who has lost someone, or you are dealing with the loss yourself.
Its like no words feel right, no actions feel justified and no attempts to improve the current state of confusion and apparent betrayal from life seem to matter.
I hate to sound so dark and negative, but I am also realistic and I KNOW that this or some variation of those feelings might pass through most peoples mindsets.
If that sounds pretentious, forgive me.  I go off of what I know.
And what I know is that even for a positive person by default, losing someone is like a steady stream of rain coming down even when you know its one of the sunniest of days and I know how overpowering that cold, unmerciful, thundering overcast is in your chest.  Its a sad place to be, and a seemingly inescapable one you know?  Its scary, and usually pretty uncharacteristic for most people.
Losing someone is confusing for me, because I am a fixer.
I like to find ways, or certain songs, things, or procedures that I know can fix myself, fix others, or fix situations to the best of my abilities. I have learned that most of the time, there is nothing another person can do to make ALL the sadness that comes with losing someone go away.
Over the course of my life so far, I have learned where to draw the line with others, as well as where I can offer any help.  I have also learned the point at which I need to say "I am here if you need me" and to step back a little.  Its hard to do that when I would much rather take it all away, and bring back the sunshine to you and clear up your mental overcast.
But this is not a post about me, or my feelings.  Its about what I have observed, and a reflection on how I see the way things unfold.  An effort to make sense of something that seems so brutal.
Sheesh.
What do you say to someone when they have lost someone?  How do you HELP that get better?
You don't want to tell them "I'm sorry" because deep down you know that is the one thing that emphasizes the vacancy that is their loss and you can't say "I know how you feel" because you don't and you never will know EXACTLY how they are feeling.  At the same time, if you don't say anything at all, you feel insensitive.  Its a fine line to walk.
Between the helplessness you feel due to an inability to make others feel completely restored to normal, and the stress of your own sadness, it becomes overwhelming.  It's suffocating, really.
Everyone handles it differently, too.  You can never bank on a constant reaction.  You have the people that wear emotions on their sleeve, you have those that clean, organize and busy them self so that they may not focus on their grief.  Some people get mad, questioning the universe and existence of gods, cursing them and calling them out for their seemingly cruel ploy to ruin their life.  You have people who pray, and believe in the other side, a beautiful Heaven or afterlife that you know your loved one is dancing around in, and take refuge in that.
There are people who focus on bettering themselves, people who move along and people who grieve openly, letting it all out in hopes that it might cleanse them and restore some order back to their life.
There is no wrong or right way to be sad, but what I think this world misses is the acceptance and encouragement of sadness.
I don't necessarily believe that you should allow yourself to dwell on it and I certainly don't condone a constant misery or being a permanently sad person, but I do believe in the human right to be sad.
It is a right that all people possess, but aren't always encouraged to exercise when necessary and I think there are times in which people need to be told its okay to openly cry, to grieve and to miss.  I firmly believe that if you allow yourself to be sad, you are accepting that life is a little broken and that means life can begin to be rebuilt again.
This might mean internally acknowledging it or laying in bed and acknowledging it or maybe it means crying to each and every person who opens their arms to you and asks "whats wrong?"
Losing someone will never feel right, and it will never feel fair.  I think that no matter if you are religious, non religious, or indifferent to it all, there will be a tiny piece of you that wonders "why me?"
This does not mean that your faith is invalid, nor that you are a pessimist, it merely means that you are human and you, plain and simple, have the right to be sad.
But I encourage you to put your faith into whatever you believe in, whether it be a God or higher power, new beginnings, or just a philosophy that tomorrow will be better.
I encourage you to remember to live life as the person you lost would like to have lived it.
Live it with a vengeance.
Instead of blaming the world and turning yourself into a victim, treat this world with kindness, doing all good things in the name and memory of yours lost.  That makes a far greater impact.
I suppose the positive side can be seen as fluffing up a tragedy, taking away from the importance of someones loss, or sugar coating something that doesn't deserve to be and I get that.
Sometimes, at least in my experience, it seems that the amount of sadness you proclaim is the sole testament to the importance of the person you lost.  I understand that, I have been there. It makes sense really, since no one can ever THOROUGHLY experience what you feel.
But I have also began to see that when I lose someone I care for, I can recount times in which I have been sad for other reasons and they have offered me pep up, positive advice and began to think that if they had been there now, they would have offered me the same sort of positive thought or piece of advice that would miraculously shine a ray of light into a seemingly eternal dark situation.  It sounds cliche, but there's a lot of truth in doing "what they would have wanted."
Most of all though, make sure you know and REMEMBER that you are allowed to be sad.
Sure enough, it's hard seeing the people you love sad, and its hard being sad yourself and really not being able to do anything right then to completely FIX it.  But what I have learned, is that there is a stark difference  between healing and fixing.  You can fix a broken book shelf.  You can look at its construction manual, buy the parts, and put it back together.
You can't completely fix a person.  You can't buy them a new heart, or a new mind, or remove the sadness from them, and replace it with something better. There are no manuals for people.
That's because people aren't fixed.  They are not objects.
People are HEALED.  And healing requires a far different approach than fixing.  Love unconditionally, and just remain THERE. Don't try and fix, rather help be a PART of the healing process.
Ultimately, you will come along when you know best, and when you are ready to move on.  It might not happen right away either.  There might be one defining moment that indicates you are on the road to being repaired and put back together, or it might be a gradual process.  You will cope as you need to, and your body, heart and life will follow.
Cry.
Yell.
Pray.
Love.
Run.
Sing.
Go.
Stop.
Sleep.
Start.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO.
But know that there is a lot to live for in this world, and I mean a LOT.  It might be harder to see it when your new burdens are placed on your shoulders.  But I just KNOW that there will be a day when you begin to use the heaviness as something to go off of, to stand on and to eventually help you get to the next thing.
Whoever they are, whether its a friend, a pet, a grandparent,a child.
They are always going to be with you.
At first, they might be with you as a sadness, an anxiety, an uneasiness, a motivator, a constant reset button.
BUT
they can become something much more.
They WILL become something much more.
They can become the sunset that you see standing on a beach.  They can become the elated finish of the Race for The Cure.  They can become the new puppy you give a home to.  They can become the hug you give to someone else.  They can become a reminder of the beautiful things in life, and the reason to live.  They can become something so grand and something so special to you, just as they were in physical being.
A little different, but still important.
And they'll always be THERE.
I promise its might seem far away, but let the days heal you, let your busyness be therapeutic, let your laziness be refreshing, let your bed feel safe for as long as you need protection from a sad reality, or let your lucky resilience propel you to leave the best mark on this world in honor of yours lost.
Most of all, let the people around you help heal you.  Sure, you are going to move at your own pace, and there is only so much others can do, but let them DO. You'll be amazed by how kind people are.  Give them a chance to remind you of the goodwill of people and let them hug you and tell you it will be okay because it will be one day.  Let them wipe your face, let them make you things, let them give you cards, and flowers.  Because while it may make your loss more real, its a true testament to your own importance and peoples desire to make sure you remember that there are always people around you who care.
You have the right to be sad.
You also have the right to recover.
Most of all you have the definite right to find a happiness, and a peace restored to you in whatever way you see that best, and the right to remember.
Those you have lost would thank you for loving them, remembering them, and recovering all in their name.
So be sad.
Know it's not easy, and that's okay.
And if you haven't been told yet, you are doing great, and it will all eventually be okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDVC_B7RzKg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUfVcLLvjo

Summer. How oddly poetic.

There is something oddly poetic about a summer night.

Something far different than any other night that is under the direction of school, work etc.

I am not sure I can explain it entirely, but there are certain nights in which every little thing seems to come together in a harmonic fashion: creating a large space in your chest completely taken over and invaded by feelings of freedom, genuine happiness excitement, and possibility.  Where you just get that feeling that possesses your whole body- the one where you look up at the sky and offer your arms out in a hug for the sky, and spin uncontrollably, unaware of who is watching; Only tuned into your epic happiness and your living in the moment of something great.

All year long, we build up our excitement towards our sunshiny break in which there are no deadlines, studying, trips to the library, and crappy food.  It goes by kind of fast, but slow.

We advance through football season, rebound after winter break and soon enough are catapulted into the longing feelings for our summer off.  

It approaches. 

SLOWLY, the more we wait for it.

But, it gets there, and the day you step foot off your campus, high school, work place etc., there is a sense of lightness you feel.  A burden being removed from your shoulders, and instead a cloud for you to sit on.  Its refreshing and freeing, and always received with open arms. 

I usually focus on just having a break; from everything- thinking in general to be more specific.  We get to break the bounds of schedules and routines and roam through the land of long nights and long days, a constant laughing and exchanging with friends, summer hair, tan skin, shoeless feet, trips with two hour planning in advance, convertibles, loud music, and a general understanding of not needing to worry about what might otherwise stress you out.  

The pressures of money, living situations, upcoming classes all seem to fade away upon summer approaching. 

Surely, we know that summer doesn't resolve this stress, but we give ourselves a break from it- an OK to push it out of our minds even for just a little while.

Really though,

Its the good nights that really relieve you of that tension.

Its the good summer NIGHTS in which you can truly lose yourself in the swirly abyss of fearlessness, and ease.

Its the nights that get to me. 

Maybe it's the tranquility that follows a really good night.  The pleasant quietness that gives you a chance to think.  To take everything in.  To truly appreciate how splendid this time is for us. This thinking is nice, and different, and relaxing and usually leads to an unbridled excitement from the memory you created.  

Like I said, its odd because I usually enjoy the thought of summer simply because I get a BREAK from thinking.  I no longer am required to direct a large amount of brain power towards things I am not particularly enjoying and instead get to trade that in for the luxury of mindless activities that I engage in without so much as putting a second of thought into it. 

Catching up with friends? Done.

Lay out on a dock?  Of course.

Take a spin around the town?  Shop?  Count me in.

A break.  

But thinking can be good.  Over thinking can be good.  As long as you are focusing on the right things.  As long as you are dedicating some time to over thinking about how awesome your nights are, and how lucky you are to experience such lengthy days with people you love, and embracing the opportunity to do things that are out of the ordinary. 

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE THINGS!

Honestly.

I love that summer offers us this free pass to say yes.  

To not feel threatened by what might come with it.  Its easy, and effortless and usually exactly what I and many others look for in an ideal 3 month hiatus.  But, what I have come to find is that summer time is so much more than just a break from thinking.  Its this wonderful opportunity we are presented with in which we can embrace our spontaneity.  We can hop into our cars and drive, without a reason and not be questioned.  It offers you an opportunity to do SO much.  To let go of things that were once hindering, and explore what can bring you up.  Its like every one is set on the same frequency- linked by a common telepathy that every chance you get to do something remarkable should be taken and not questioned or scrutinized.  But most of all..

Summer is just a time to restore hope in what you had once lost hope in.

Summer is the perfect opportunity to find yourself before you are forced to fit yourself into a schedule in which breaking or deterring often results in extremely unpleasant circumstances.  

SUMMER, man.  Its GREAT.

Summer means finding people whose presence and company alone makes your forget about those facebooking, twittering and texting you.  

Summer means feeling a sense of sadness as you approach your house after a night of pure enjoyment. 

Summer means driving past your house and taking the long way because your favorite song came on right before you turned into your driveway. 

Summer means laughing, and trying new things.

Summer means returning to your roots, but bringing your experiences in for reinforcements.

This time of the year means that you can blast your favorite song at the top of your lungs as you pass street lights, signs, exits and glance at the car next to you JUST in time to see them silently laughing at you, perhaps wondering where you must have been coming from to make you feel so alive. 
Summer is losing track of time because this time is not measured in minutes, but moments.  The greater the moments, the better the time. 

What makes me sad is that I hear people saying that summer isn't what they expected it to be, or it just wasn't as great as they were hoping.  

Well guess what?

Summer has stopped feeling so monumental because we are slowly forgetting that summer isn't just about laying back and taking a break, but simply spreading your time in other places that YOU want to.

MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

If you see summer being great, look at how you see summer being great and make it happen.  Your time here is only as good as the effort you put into it.  The way you treat your time will reflect what that time will do to you.

We should be excited.  STOKED.  This time of the year alone is good enough to us that we can work all day and still enjoy it.  

This time of year means you can discover so much about yourself in a summer night.  Perhaps the street lights shine brighter to you when you are happy and thankful, and you catch yourself 10 miles over the speed limit as you turn your radio up.  Perhaps you learn that you are only as bored as you let yourself think you are.  Perhaps you learn that saying "yes" and jumping into to situations you were once scared of is really not so hard when you have the essence of a summer night as your wingman.  

Your summer will only be as good as the good stuff you let in, and as monumental as the bad stuff you let go of.  This summer is great. Any summer can be great. 

But this summer man. T

his summer is poetic in every sense.  Spiraling through the unpredictable nights, the beautiful days, and these early mornings in which you can truly capture the full impact of a great summer day, and an even better night. 

There is just something about going throughout your day, without so much as thinking about anything but that moment, completely unaware of how much fun you are actually having, then having the chance to reflect on it all at the end of the day in ONE HUGE MOTION and taking in all the feelings that came with the day.  Its incredible.  Its like finding out your favorite band is coming to your city.  Or that your best friend will start working with you.  Or that maybe, you are finally doing something right and heading in the right direction.

Its amazing, and unbelievably elating.  

I feel like I have totally recaptured what I once saw summer to be.  Poetic, and unpredictable, full of opportunities and chances to say yes.  FULL of spontaneity and possibilities.  A perpetual feeling of being on the brink of doing something great and exciting.  It feels good to enjoy summer for everything its worth, and take advantage of all the great things that are often overlooked and can do you a whole lot of good. 

There is something nostalgic about creating your own fun, and not needing to rely on a schedule or a common area to do it for you.  I am entirely thankful for the summer nights that remind me that summer break isn't just about taking a break from thinking and dealing with reality, but a chance to remind yourself that there is so much to this life, and that when you combine the right amounts of thinking, and adventure, you are bound to create something memorable.  Something worth writing about.  Or something, I guess, strangely un-explainable  and oddly poetic.