It started out as a guideline to abide by, a structure to follow until I created my own framework for trusting myself, my system, and life as I coexist with it; the way I would do it. This ended in an addiction; an inherent need to stay close to the shore line and gaurenteed induced anxiety upon straying. I found myself no longer feeling safe. Or good. I found myself feeling scared. All the time. Rather than just referencing the should be's I had trusted in, I began to rely on them entirely. I leaned solely on the way my life should I be, and depended on its support to keep me afloat; to keep my story as close to the happy few I'd witnessed, and to keep my "way it should be done" enough. I was scared to divert from the should be, fail, and have nothing left.
But I wasn't a fool. A victim to my own mind yes, but a fool I was not.
It was not good. I was not safe. I knew I could not pretend anymore. I was not safe from making mistakes. I was either making other people's mistakes, or making the mistake of avoiding them altogether. I was either living someone else's life or not living at all and I was sad. It was not good. I was doing what I should be doing and it was not enough. And it was never going to be enough. It was not enough. I was either failing someone else or not failing at all. I was either loving in the name of someone else's ideas or not at all and ultimately, I found myself fearing what was supposed to be feared or not fearing at alI. I wasn't doing anything at all, and suddenly, I realized I wasn't there at all. I found myself impersonating what I'm not or choosing to be nothing at all and I was losing. I was losing. I was stuck between eternally failing and never giving myself a chance and it was dark.
That was until I gave up on should be.
I betrayed my trusty understanding of what is good and the rules and steps that go with it. I chose to write my own and to follow whichever side of the fork I felt was right. I bravely stepped on cracks, and appraoched obstacles and conquered them. While it was not easy nor a quick process, it was done. It lead me to a will be. It lead me to a way "this is how it will be done" and it grabbed my hand and ran with me. Far, far away from the could be's and should be's and the expected's and the typical's. I found my dependency evaporate and I could see myself. I was there again. And it was good. I finally reached a point I had admired in so many stories I had seen unfold before me. I felt the sweet satisfaction of doing something my own way, and achieving an enlightening happiness. I had reached what I had seen, and I needed no map, or guideline, or structure. I chose making a choice instead of being chosen for and it brought me every should be I could have ever wanted. I relished in my newfound abilities and felt the power it harnessed. I had chosen choice and I was happy. I wondered if onlookers would see my state and think, "that's the way it should be done." I suppose they will learn as everyone does.
There's no way it should be done.
There's only the way you do it, and it will always be good enough.
.K SG C.
