Lost.

I had an interesting conversation this weekend.   As I spoke with a new friend of mine on a trip we took, I became radically aware of my readiness to start living a life that I want.  It was bizarre because I hadn't thought much about the importance of accepting what you want as what you want and how vital the desire to accomplish it was.
I often classify myself as a drifter; from what I have evaluated about myself, I have no distinct passions, but I find enjoyment in most anything.  Though that may seem fine, it is slightly disheartening to not feel particularly strong about any particular thing I do.  I came to realize that this is because almost everything I do or attempt to accomplish or become is the result of others desires for me but not my own.
While I have been on the road to living the life others expect of me, I have been covertly reading another map- A map that I have written for myself without the impressions of others.  A certain map that up until a few days ago, I had no real intention of following.
As I sat talking to my friend, he asked me a question that caught me off guard.
"What do you want to do with your life?"
I sat.
How the hell am I supposed to answer that question?
How dare he have the audacity to ask such a bold question that I would not be prepared to answer?  I'm not even twenty for god sake, how am I supposed to have the answer to such a significant and philosophical question?
I was so taken aback, because in that moment I realized I had never been asked that question before.  And if I had been asked something similar, I give the answer I know they expect.
But.
This was different.
Someone who had no predisposed notions about me and what I had been previously doing with my life genuinely wanted to know who I wanted to become. Not to hear what they wanted, or validate I still wanted what they wanted for me, but a simple, non malicious or manipulative question, simply begging the question my own purpose.
An innocent acquisition about who I was.
See, I have been going through this life, jumping from expectation to expectation (completely by my own will) so that I might make everyone around me happy and proud and so that I might feel a satisfaction of winning everyone I meet over.
I figured that is how to achieve a sense of success.
Its tiring sometimes, but I like to make others happy which usually entails compromising my own vision so that I might fill the vision of someone else.  Its far easier to deal with a failure of a personal vision than that of others.  Yours can change, and be tailored so that if you are unable to accomplish your goals, you can quickly divert disappointment by adjusting your goal to fit that of your setback.
You can make your own self forget failures, but you can't make others forget.  You can't change someones vision for you.
 But for the first time in a while, as I gazed at the fire in front of us and the Chuck Taylor high tops that had endured every adventure I'd taken them on, I realized this was
wrong.
I had been living with an unnecessary pressure to make everyone around me happy so that I can avoid failing anything I attempt for myself.  While it might be harder to deal with letting others down, the payoff of leaving their expectations to reach your own will payoff more than any chance of failure.
It was suddenly so clear to me.
I gave a whole hearted honest, and clear answer.  I KNEW exactly what I wanted to be, and what I loved, and who I would love to be some day.  I have no problem accepting that myself, but what I came to understand was that I would worry that my vision would not coincide with someone else's, and that they would be disappointed in me, which, is a fear of mine.  So I often don't entertain the idea "of making something with my life" because if you make something too concrete, you might disappoint yourself and everyone else around you.
BUT THAT WAS OVER.
I knew if I could say out loud what I wanted and who I wanted to be, it would be real, and certain, and unchangeable   And I would be able to accomplish it without fear of it clashing with someone else's vision because they DON'T MATTER.  At the end of the day, what you accomplish is what you have to work with and the benefits of it are only worth the journey if you are doing them for the right reasons.
So as I told him of my dreams, ambitions, and passions, I realized that not only do I actually do have a fiery ambition to do what I want, but that what I am doing now does not match up with what I am wildly ambitious about.  I knew right then and there that I needed to abandon my current trail I was on of impressing others and needed to pursue what would make me ambitious and happy about the things I am doing, and proud of myself.  After I told him of my plan to let go of what I was holding onto for the benefit of others, he looked at me and said,
"Are you sure you want to do that?  You know you will probably be lost."
I pondered this.
He was right
Giving up something so deeply rooted in you rips out such security and skews plans and confuses you, I knew that.  But in this setting, whether it be the fact that we were out away from the reality of my life or I was flooded with a thorough understanding of myself, I knew that I would be lost, but I would finally be heading in the right direction.
It is so easy to fear getting lost with nothing but your instinct and a new route you plan for yourself, but by god the fear that will settle in your heart when you realize you have gone on the wrong path too long with no hope of getting back onto your own path is far greater.  I am going to be lost in these next few weeks, months maybe years, but I am okay with that.  I am okay with giving up my map to the wrong destination so that I might fumble down the right path, feeling my way through to the end point I have finally admitted I want for myself.  I am okay with being greedy, and selfish, and lost.  I am okay with living for myself, and getting on to this path. I am okay with permitting myself to perhaps experience the greatest payoffs as well as the greatest disappointments.  Because, they will all be for me.  For my own self, how great is that?
Scary it may be, but its exhilarating, liberating, and freeing.
I am so thankful I have figured it out before I lose sight for good, and become permanently lost.

Looking forward.

There are not many reasons I can collect to reflect that losing sleep is good.

BUT

Do you know what the greatest feeling is?  

Waiting to embark on a journey. Perhaps the night before, or the day before.  You sit and stare at that clock.    You know the clock I'm talking about.  You become suddenly aware of how loud it ticks, and the rhythm at which the ticks sequence. And, for the first time in a while, the minutes pass slowly, and the day seems to drag.  You tap your feet, check the clock, and begin to notice small things that on a regular day, you might not attribute any attention to.  Every sense becomes acute as you impatiently await an hour late enough to go to bed, and wake up to your destination; the start of your new memory. 

It feels reminiscent of younger days when everything was something to look forward to and worries were small and easily forgotten. 

There is something 

truly 

magical 

about looking at a date, and knowing that on that particular date, you are going to make something great happen.  That by the time you reach the box on your calendar that directly follows the particular date you are so desperately itching to reach, you will have something new to store in your heart and mind that you could possibly tell your grandchildren about, or feel it worthy of writing down one day.  

Knowing that there will be something exuberant

or dangerous

or exciting

or new 

or life changing

or wonderful that comes out of it.  We love finding reasons to look forward to things; to occupy our thoughts so that we may find something fresh and unfamiliar and blissful to dwell on and relieve us of any negatives that bully our minds. 

That is what makes being this age so great.  We are always looking forward to SOMETHING.  We naturally find things.  Its a great instinct we pick up, and a lucky ability to have.  We hold this utter appreciation for the tiny moments, the potential for something to be great, and the ability to fully experience something new.  We have the glorious opportunity to say "what the hell" and "why not" and fully, 100% absorb the spontaneity of our situations.  

That is what I live for. 

 Saying yes because I have no reason to say no.  

It can be hard to give up that control.  But there is nothing more wild and refreshing and invigorating than going along for the ride, with no ability to cap your outcome or temptation to pull back.  Its freeing, and an excellent reminder that we are free and destined to roam and explore.  How amazing, right?  

So here's to this great feeling.  This giddy, hug a pillow, constantly check my watch, feeling that I hope everyone experiences because it is one of very few feelings that I personally have collected that is absolutely worthy of losing sleep.  

The Beauty of being Alone.

You can go a long time believing you know exactly what you want.  

You can spend hours, days, years planning how you yourself are going to be, what you are going to do, and who you are going to permit access to your most guarded dreams, stories, and feelings that are so fragile and valuable to you. 

All it takes is a night to be alone to realize there is no way to plan, strategize or anticipate what you will want or be one day.  There is no guide or how to manual to finding passions, and there are no "permanents" or "have to's" or "I guess's" associated with what you are doing now.  There is no guarantee that what you love now, will be what you love tomorrow.  

All it takes is being alone.  Alone with your thoughts.  Alone with your desires.  

No outward influences thwarting you in directions you don't even realize your taking. Truly alone to realize there are things in this universe that could make you not feel so alone.  There will be things in this world that we will find in the midst of noise, and busyness and our mindless routines, temporary solutions to solving our aloneness to hush the aching reminder that we are but a part of something greater, but those things aren't what connect to the roots of your being.  Those needs are a temporary filler to the voids that form in everyday life, talk, openings in schedules.  Those aren't the things that will comfort you when you are sitting in your room, looking out the window, imagining what that view holds for you.  Wondering what you will make of the view you have, and who you want to be there with you when you start paving your own way.  Because those tiny moments of absolute solidity and tranquility, with nothing but your own company are the defining moments in encompassing what will make you feel whole and not so alone.  

To be undoubtedly alone, you must see yourself as an independent, a whole, not in need of being completed and finished, capable of taking on anything and everything by yourself.  It is in these moments brought to us under false pretenses of obligation to not only prove our strength, but prove that we we're right, that we realize that we but put up a front, and we are wrong. We are naive creatures, desperate for affirmation that we did not waste the little time we have here on something that could be of no use to us in the future. 

That we we're right about our lengthy, thought out plan, and we don't need to stray from it.  It is in these moments of fleeting independence, where we think we attain what we want, that we actually feel alone.  It is in these moments, that we no longer know exactly what we want.  We experience fear, anxiety, confusion and combat it with this strange drive to PROVE we aren't any of these things.  But it's okay to be these things. These are things that lead you to your true wants and make you question what you are doing now.

These are the times where the years and hours of exhausting, long nights of thinking what will open the best life for us show no assistance in preparing us to be truly alone.  Because being alone makes you not want to be.  

But you have to understand that being alone is not a darkness, or a thing to avoid.  

Rather, alone is a friend, a temporary companion, helping you on to a dream.  Alone is the only friend gracious enough and blunt enough to force you to be honest with yourself about what you need out of this world so that it may be replaced and move on to someone else who needs it.  We weren't meant to be alone, and as long as you feel that strange pull towards something bigger than you, in those raw moments of complete separation, you aren't meant to be alone either.   Because finding something bigger to fulfill our plan is what this life is really about, and learning to embrace it when it comes bounding in, sometimes uninvited, sometimes aggressively and most of the time, unexpectedly.  Because if you can do it, just once, you will find you no longer will feel alone, and you have truly not wasted your time believing in something to complete you, a plan, a course.   It may not be the course or plan you had envisioned in those long hours, or years, or agonizingly late, thoughtful nights, but it will be the plan that works out, and the plan that makes you thankful your original one did not.

I suppose I should explain myself.

Alright well I guess this is where I say hello and introduce myself.
My name is Kristin and I am a college student who, much like many others who attend universities, are looking to find what they are meant to be in the vast pools of people, potential, and infinite possibilities around them.  To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing here.  College, adulthood, everything is a maze to me.  I am doing a lot of things I don't like and a lot of things I do like, but to be completely honest, I am lost.  The future is sometimes looming AND exciting to me and slowly but surely, I am trying to attain a vision I saw for myself many years ago.  I am looking to get on a path where I might not feel lost anymore, but guided and I look forward to getting there.
Beside the point... I kinda have anxiety.
So of course, this journey becomes much more... interesting and difficult for a person like me. A worrier, a stressor by nature.
Sometimes, like many others, I stay up late and stress through the day thinking what will become of me. Now don't get me wrong, I am a happy, enthusiastic, empathetic person who is thankful and joyful.
I just let stress get the best of me sometimes, and this is my sanctuary to battle it back.
In an ideal world, I would like to get paid to write the thoughts out that take the edge off my own mind and bring a tranquility to my being.  It truly brings me joy and is beautifully therapeutic.  If I could make a living reaching out to those like me, that would be an ideal life for myself.
This is where I find peace.  In words, thoughts and ideas. I strive to find ways to say them so that I might find light in even my darkest and immanent struggles.
That is why I have turned to blogging, or writing.  To perhaps reach someone with a sentence, or portion of a post, or a word that can speak to them and help them through those deep thoughts. This is a place to help me get on my journey, make sense of my feelings, college and life and truly to write out the things that keep me up late.  My hope would be something I write about might similarly keep you up worrying or reflecting, and something I write might bring you refuge and help you sleep.
I am here to let you know that finding a release, whether it be blogging, a sport, writing, painting, dancing, anything to help ease your own stresses will enhance your experience as a human being.  Find a passion, anything you love, and let it heal you.  I promise you, it works.
So here it is.  My name is Kristin and I am a college student.  I may be at your college, or thousands of miles away from your own dorm room, but my goal is to be a friend, voice of reason, explanation, helper, or bringer of peace to your weary mind because that is my goal and hopefully, we can get through our struggles, rejoices, and nights together.