Have you ever stood on a dock, and looked out at boats going off and feel stuck? Held down by your own feet, and the un-moving dock, it's like you are a hostage to your own choice of staying firmly planted on the dock.
I feel like whenever I catch myself standing here, stuck somewhere in my life, I wish nothing more than to just find a boat, and escape. Away from the dock and its lack of potential. To get a fresh start.
There is something so liberating about a fresh start.
Do you know what I mean?
Not just freeing or renewing, but total unbridled liberation that comes with the territory of a second chance, a new start, a redo, a fresh beginning.
I got caught up talking with my mom at a pizza shop the other day, and as we eagerly awaited for our hot pies to be made and ready to be taken home, we covered all sorts of topics. Some random, some smalltalk-esque, and some interesting.
We engaged on the topic of history; how history is terrifyingly capable of doing so many things;
it can keep you with someone,
it can scar you,
it can motivate you,
it can be a scapegoat for behaviors and actions we take in our lives.
It all comes down to history.
How complicated history makes different interactions in your life feel. Its almost unavoidable and nothing to be ashamed of. Every human has history. That's what MAKE us human! Our experience of living, proof that we have done something on this earth. But it can be used in different ways.
I personally use history as a reason to stay close- not stray far from the coupe if you will. Have you ever realized how often we use HISTORY and its reliability and concreteness as reasons to settle, or to remain in a situation simply because there has been so much in the past that has led up to the moment you are in?
Yeah, it makes sense. Sort of?
History is all about the past. History is cluttered, and unchangeable. That doesn't mean history and pasts are BAD or should NOT be taken into account, but the cold unwavering fact about history is that
a) it has come and gone
b) it is not always reminiscent of what is NOW
c) it is easy to get caught up in. Good or bad.
We stick to good history because it offers a lifeline to hope that things could one day be as good as they once were.
On the other hand, We stick to bad history to keep ourselves safe and guarded from the chance of history repeating itself.
What we miss out on here, is that history is not active. History teaches us lessons for how to deal with the future; it does not have the right to dictate
how we live it.
I have found that personally, in times of struggle, frustration or confusion, I fall back on what I have most history with; sports, places, people.
When I moved from my house of 16 years to my new house just two years ago, I was devastated because I felt that I was leaving behind so much history and past that I would not be able to move forward without that solid, unwavering foundation behind me.
It was scary.
I find I do this with sports and people just as bad. Even if the history is bad or good, it still means you must have cared enough to hate it or love it at one point. There is something relieving about having this behind you and knowing you wont be judged for it if you return to it because you have been there once before.
It is easy to go back to history, and it is as concrete as its memory.
You can count on history to be the same and you can predict how you will act and feel when you retreat back to the safety of living in history and the bond you share with memories.
The problem I face here, is while I have reduced the amount of anxiety I feel from proceeding with future endeavors by keeping one foot in the past JUST in case, I feel that I never get to totally move forward. My foot is always standing on the dock of past, memories, what was and history while I am holding onto the boat of promise, future and opportunities.
And almost every time, I let go of the boat and decide it is far safer to keep both my feet planted on something I know wont move, vs. risking falling off the boat, having the boat sink, getting sick etc.
And almost every time, I wish I had gotten on that boat instead.
What I have learned over the course of this year, is it is okay to remember the past but it's not okay to live in it. Something could have been good at one time: a place, a person, an activity etc. But is the hope of holding onto that point in time worth the misery of the reality that it is not what you once knew it to be?
How bizarre is that.
We will go through years of doing something. It will perhaps be a great period of our life, and we will hold that close and dear and near to our hearts and minds in hope that it will forever stay that way.
But, just as concrete as history is in this world, change acts the same way.
It WILL be present in everything we do. You wont always see it coming, or welcome it, or be happy about it, but it will come. It is inevitable.
But, before you have an anxiety attack, remember:
Just as easy, it could be GREAT change that you celebrate and rejoice over and thank the heavens for; a big break, a date on Saturday, a raise. Remember!
You don't have to be what YOU once were either. You have the choice to be above what you ONCE where and embrace what you COULD be. It's a two way street, a mutually benefiting relationship.
See, Change can be good to.
But here is how I see this working:
You hold onto something good and it turns bad. It begins to stay bad for months, years. You are sad and tired, yet you hold onto it in hopes that the thing you originally fell in love with is still there somewhere. It might be, but after awhile, I firmly believe that by holding onto what was, you are giving up the chance to experience what could be. A new opportunity you could take and be happy with is passing by, and you can't chase it because you are tied down to what "once was."
It will be different for everyone, you will know when what was once there is gone. You may not want to face it, but I KNOW you will know.
Looking at this from that point of view, it really make sense when you look at like that does it?
Or you dwell on something bad that once happened to you. I understand that when you are traumatized and scarred, it doesn't go away right away and as part of the body's natural defense, keeps it at the forefront of your mind so that it might not effect you in the future.
BUT
You are letting something that happened and cant be changed monopolize your life completely. COMPLETELY! And it cant be CHANGED! Something unchangeable and something that has no hope of becoming different is dictating everything you do.
Once again, a crazy thing from this perspective, huh?
Here is what I have proposed to myself as a challenge that has immense payoff possibility and a change at giving me a huge margin of happiness.
Something YOU could try.
Look at what you have been through.
Good AND bad.
Is what you are faced with now what it once was?
Is the thing/person/place you are desperately holding onto what it was when you first had it?
There will be a chance to have things fixed, or repaired, I am not promoting an abandonment technique for all things that show a little change from the time that you first encountered them.
But what I AM suggesting is that perhaps you have changed as well.
And perhaps, in the midst of changing and the object of your affection or sadness changing, you re-evaluate how you continue to include it in your life.
Let me be clear... Don't forget about it. All the history. Like I said, I am not advocating you forget about the dock. It serves a purpose to you know. And DEFINITELY don't try and FORCE yourself to forget it.
Because the one thing that makes getting off history training wheels harder is telling yourself you don't need it at all.
History will have made you what you are today and that is very important. But what I do think is vital is making sure it doesn't hinder you.
So what if you had some great memories a year ago?
Are you miserable now?
Do you see yourself being happier with something else?
Maybe yes.
Then LET GO.
Acknowledge that you had some great memories and learned what you liked from your experience, but right NOW, the present, YOUR LIFE CURRENTLY is not benefiting from what this place/person/thing has become.
Is something bad getting in the way of something that could make you happy?
Are you miserable because of a past event?
Do you avoid chances of being happy because you are scared you will get hurt?
Well, acknowledge it, accept that it has perhaps tainted you, but it has simply taught what you don't want and allow yourself to find something you DO want.
A fresh start.
Not forgetting history, just not standing in it anymore.
A fresh start could be the big break you are waiting for.
It is amazing, as well as scary. I am not saying that a fresh start will come without hardships, because when it comes right down to it, there is nothing written in stone saying that this life is SUPPOSED to be easy.
Not all good things come without struggle to make them better.
But, you will have transcended history, escaped its clutches and catapulted yourself into a whole new realm of potential and excitement.
Be STRONG through it.
You will be tempted by history, a repeat, a solidness. An expected path of events, even if they are bad can sometimes be more comforting than experiencing an untamed excitement that has THE CHANCE to result in hurt. But what is BETTER?
Remain in history and forever expect the bad and good? Hold onto an eternal hope of something becoming what it once was?
Or JUMP.
LEAP.
SOAR
to the future and its endless possibilities. All the AMAZING things that are sure to come with jumping off that dock and onto that boat. Because while the boat has the chance to sink, get lost, or experience turbulence, it also offers the chance to see amazing things, adventure to some amazing place, take you and your love somewhere beautiful.
One thing is for sure,
whether your boat sinks or sails,
the DOCK will never take you anywhere.
SO.
Would you rather live in hold memories?
Or remember old memories and experience the giddiness that comes with unknown and promise?
A fresh start can be given to anyone.
A fresh start can be exactly what you need to push you towards the great things that could be and away from the depths of what once was.
Take it.
Do it.
You NEED it.
Everyone needs a fresh start sometimes.
Just be willing to face that you may need it, it may be hard,
but it will take you FAR more places than your dock
ever will.
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