There was a time where I truly believed if I devised an oasis for myself where I might be inspired to spawn work, I would feel a sense of obligation to my yearning creative and visit this space frequently. I hoped I might be more compelled to write.
Unfortunately, I have found that, somewhere along the way here, I have lost hope in this medium's ability to bring about clarity and reinforcement.
But the rain woke me up this morning and I was reminded how something so soft but powerful can create a ripple when persistent enough. I always have my favorite thoughts in the morning.
With the rain came a sense of anxiety. By some odd circumstance, the rain itself seemed to actually be comforting. The sound of silence and darkness, mixed with the slight presence of the Christmas lights combined with the pouring rain made me feel safe. I myself have never loved the stuff, but as I awoke this morning I felt a sense of gratefulness for the inclement weather. Why anxiety?
As I'm nearing the end of an educational venture, I have began to realize the seriousness of choices. Until now, choices have been fairly easy to make. Being an adolescent comes with that perk. There is little consequence to most any (appropriate and legal...) choice as a young adult because most of the situations we find ourselves poised in are often far more reversible or salvageable in the case of failure or catastrophe. For example, I went through a pretty tumultuous time choosing a path of higher education. My vision was sunshine since I was a competitive runner with intentions of being a competitor for the school I attended. After many conversations with some schools down south, my future veered toward Oregon where, evidentially, the sun can be sparse and I was a little disappointed. But this choice wound up working out, because I had parents who supported me and friends who loved me and I had a sense of assurance knowing if I hated it here, I could have the means to transfer if I
A) ran better
B) got a job and saved my money
C) was only switching schools in the same state
My choice had little consequence because in the grand scheme of things, the choices I am making now are not going to be permanent nor will they affect my ultimate goals for real life. (Yes I'm sorry if you're hearing this for the first time, but college isn't real life.) But now, as I'm beginning to contemplate where I go after school, what I choose to do with my degree, where I start getting jobs, how I brand myself etc. I'm beginning to understand these are the choices that are not as easy nor obvious or reversible as I once thought they might be.
As I lay here listening to the rain, I realize I have never had a choice to be anywhere else. My financials suited Oregon best, as well as my athletic work ethic. I have been raised in this rainy state and I have found myself endeared with even the peskiest of perks here. Now suddenly, I'm being posed with a choice to get out, and I'm beginning to wonder if the decision really is just black and white. I've always wanted sun, but after finding comfort in the rain this morning, I'm beginning to seriously consider if I'm ready to depart from this type of comfort in full? Or perhaps, I want to romp around a few other places before I just concretely make a choice to plant my ass in the first place I've always wanted to go. Perhaps there are comforts I have never considered in PLACES I haven't considered and I might deprive myself of discovering this simply because I feel there is only once decision on the table. This is the thought that strikes anxiety. I am finally in charge of where I go and how I choose to shape myself in that place, and for the first time I earnestly believe that this choice is not only more difficult, but far more serious than it has ever appeared before. I will never be able to get these early exploratory years back and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to make permanent choices so quickly. I'm certainly not ready to give up what else is out there in the time that things can still be reversed, or salvaged. I suppose only time will tell how I handle this or what happens, but for now, I feel a whole lot better.
Fucking rain.
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