Why am I sad all the time?

Why am I sad all the time?





I wanted to answer this question a million different ways.

I wanted to say, "You don't have to be."
I wanted to say, "Think of happier days."
I wanted to say, "It will get better."
I wanted to say, "You're so beautiful when you're happy.  Please, don't feel sad."
I wanted to say, "I love you!  Does that make it better?"
I wanted to say, "I feel everything you feel infinitely and intensely.  I cry for your sadness."
I wanted to say, "What can I say or do to make it better?"
I wanted to say, "Find something that makes you happy.  Anything.  Please."
I wanted to say, "You don't deserve to feel sad all the time."


Instead, as you laid your head on my shoulder, I said, "I don't know."

But to be honest, I wanted to tell you everything.  I wanted to tell you so much more than that.  I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry you feel sad all the time.  I wanted to tell you I ache for all the times you feel sad for no reason, and for every time I see sudden grief strike your gaze.  I want to tell you how badly I don't want you to feel guilty.  I know you will because I know you have a tendency to see yourself as a burden on others.  I wanted to tell you its okay to feel sadness because I know you can't help it.  I wanted to tell you how much I love you no matter what you feel.  I wanted to tell you we would figure it out together, and we would find a way to fight the sadness together.  I have such a difficult time understanding sudden sadness, and often times I find it hard to not take it upon myself to fix it.   And the frustration that settles in when I can't is almost unfathomable.  But, despite this attribute of mine, I am able to realize sometimes these sadnesses can't be fixed.  I know you know I know that. But I wish I could express to you how badly I wish I could fix it for you.  Not that you need to be fixed in any way, but seeing you feel so debilitated... I just wish I could wash it away.  Bring the lightness I am fortunate enough to see in you out all the time.  Have I ever told you how lovely you are when that young, kind soul shines through?  You're absolutely stunning.  You're a million lightbulbs.  I wish I had the guts to tell you I listened to about a million sad songs tonight to find some sense of clarity in the sadness you feel.  A common language I could speak so that you might see how much I understand. Instead, I just cried.  I cried hard. I cried for all the sadness you feel.  I tell you this not because I want you to feel guilty or responsible or like you are a burden, but because the love I feel for you is so immense, I can't stand the thought of you bearing such sadness alone. And I wont let you bear it alone.  But I promise, I will maintain my light for you. I'm learning to be better at handing these confusing feelings of mine.  I have a horrid habit of seeing fault in myself when someone else is sad, and I have a selfishness when it comes to mending peoples hearts.  In time, I will understand that I can't be the reason you just don't feel sad anymore.  One day, I will be okay with that.

But I wont be okay with you being sad all the time.  I will be understanding, I will be sympathetic and I will love you through every dark space you encounter and every scary bout of confusing peril you find yourself drowning in.  But I will never accept perpetual sadness as a way of life for you.  I will fight a hundred times to maintain a light in your life, and to inspire and warm you.  I will fight ferociously to not let darkness make itself at home in you, and I will never be tolerant of sadness settling in you because I will never stop fighting for your happiness.   I will never stop fighting for you.

When you asked me why you were sad all the time, this is what I meant to say.  This is what I wish I had said.

I hope you find this.