Lost.

I had an interesting conversation this weekend.   As I spoke with a new friend of mine on a trip we took, I became radically aware of my readiness to start living a life that I want.  It was bizarre because I hadn't thought much about the importance of accepting what you want as what you want and how vital the desire to accomplish it was.
I often classify myself as a drifter; from what I have evaluated about myself, I have no distinct passions, but I find enjoyment in most anything.  Though that may seem fine, it is slightly disheartening to not feel particularly strong about any particular thing I do.  I came to realize that this is because almost everything I do or attempt to accomplish or become is the result of others desires for me but not my own.
While I have been on the road to living the life others expect of me, I have been covertly reading another map- A map that I have written for myself without the impressions of others.  A certain map that up until a few days ago, I had no real intention of following.
As I sat talking to my friend, he asked me a question that caught me off guard.
"What do you want to do with your life?"
I sat.
How the hell am I supposed to answer that question?
How dare he have the audacity to ask such a bold question that I would not be prepared to answer?  I'm not even twenty for god sake, how am I supposed to have the answer to such a significant and philosophical question?
I was so taken aback, because in that moment I realized I had never been asked that question before.  And if I had been asked something similar, I give the answer I know they expect.
But.
This was different.
Someone who had no predisposed notions about me and what I had been previously doing with my life genuinely wanted to know who I wanted to become. Not to hear what they wanted, or validate I still wanted what they wanted for me, but a simple, non malicious or manipulative question, simply begging the question my own purpose.
An innocent acquisition about who I was.
See, I have been going through this life, jumping from expectation to expectation (completely by my own will) so that I might make everyone around me happy and proud and so that I might feel a satisfaction of winning everyone I meet over.
I figured that is how to achieve a sense of success.
Its tiring sometimes, but I like to make others happy which usually entails compromising my own vision so that I might fill the vision of someone else.  Its far easier to deal with a failure of a personal vision than that of others.  Yours can change, and be tailored so that if you are unable to accomplish your goals, you can quickly divert disappointment by adjusting your goal to fit that of your setback.
You can make your own self forget failures, but you can't make others forget.  You can't change someones vision for you.
 But for the first time in a while, as I gazed at the fire in front of us and the Chuck Taylor high tops that had endured every adventure I'd taken them on, I realized this was
wrong.
I had been living with an unnecessary pressure to make everyone around me happy so that I can avoid failing anything I attempt for myself.  While it might be harder to deal with letting others down, the payoff of leaving their expectations to reach your own will payoff more than any chance of failure.
It was suddenly so clear to me.
I gave a whole hearted honest, and clear answer.  I KNEW exactly what I wanted to be, and what I loved, and who I would love to be some day.  I have no problem accepting that myself, but what I came to understand was that I would worry that my vision would not coincide with someone else's, and that they would be disappointed in me, which, is a fear of mine.  So I often don't entertain the idea "of making something with my life" because if you make something too concrete, you might disappoint yourself and everyone else around you.
BUT THAT WAS OVER.
I knew if I could say out loud what I wanted and who I wanted to be, it would be real, and certain, and unchangeable   And I would be able to accomplish it without fear of it clashing with someone else's vision because they DON'T MATTER.  At the end of the day, what you accomplish is what you have to work with and the benefits of it are only worth the journey if you are doing them for the right reasons.
So as I told him of my dreams, ambitions, and passions, I realized that not only do I actually do have a fiery ambition to do what I want, but that what I am doing now does not match up with what I am wildly ambitious about.  I knew right then and there that I needed to abandon my current trail I was on of impressing others and needed to pursue what would make me ambitious and happy about the things I am doing, and proud of myself.  After I told him of my plan to let go of what I was holding onto for the benefit of others, he looked at me and said,
"Are you sure you want to do that?  You know you will probably be lost."
I pondered this.
He was right
Giving up something so deeply rooted in you rips out such security and skews plans and confuses you, I knew that.  But in this setting, whether it be the fact that we were out away from the reality of my life or I was flooded with a thorough understanding of myself, I knew that I would be lost, but I would finally be heading in the right direction.
It is so easy to fear getting lost with nothing but your instinct and a new route you plan for yourself, but by god the fear that will settle in your heart when you realize you have gone on the wrong path too long with no hope of getting back onto your own path is far greater.  I am going to be lost in these next few weeks, months maybe years, but I am okay with that.  I am okay with giving up my map to the wrong destination so that I might fumble down the right path, feeling my way through to the end point I have finally admitted I want for myself.  I am okay with being greedy, and selfish, and lost.  I am okay with living for myself, and getting on to this path. I am okay with permitting myself to perhaps experience the greatest payoffs as well as the greatest disappointments.  Because, they will all be for me.  For my own self, how great is that?
Scary it may be, but its exhilarating, liberating, and freeing.
I am so thankful I have figured it out before I lose sight for good, and become permanently lost.