I am in the same spot I had lain in the hours that proceeded this point but find no greater comfort with the passing minutes.
It was 9:46pm.
We threw back a first drink and with the sweet relief of alcohol trickling down our throats, we saw the possibility of passage through the hidden miseries of our reality.
It seemed fair and it seemed attainable, so we followed this escape from our inner failures and swam. At 9:46, the water seemed inviting and the other side seemed close.
It was 10:23pm.
I no longer relied on what I could see as the second drink grasped my visibility and told me to trust my instinct. I listened to it, and it sounded like 80's rock and roll. So I danced, and you danced, and within our blindness, we began to find refuge in the sound of forgetting.
It was 11-something.
Time no longer seemed like a reliable system to abide by so we threw back our third drink, knowing that by our third, we ought to be very close. The waters grew rocky and with no sight and no sense of time, we coasted on the freedom from our poisons to lead us to acceptance.
It was ?
We followed this Passage to the bathroom around the corner, where we laughed giddily and it seemed we had made it through. We collapsed on the bathroom floor together in an oasis of hilarity, and immediately began to investigate our seemingly newfound independence from all the failures that had been wedged between us. It had been a long time since we laughed like this and although the distance from us to the outside seemed significant, the buzz of the music on the other side of the door kept us attached to shore.
It was dark.
It was late now and we knew it. Like the end of the music outside, our euphoria came to an end as you made eye contact with me and I saw you. Our laughing halted and you looked at me and I at you and suddenly, I needed another drink. I could see your visibility return and time restore in your brain and you were gone. Like a fixed alarm clock, I was set back to 9:46 and
I was no longer close.
We were no longer close.
Instead, We felt sad and farther than ever.
Our mirage of a paradise evaporated and the floor made itself known. It felt cold.
We were suddenly all too aware of our gullibility and all too quickly found ourselves struggling through the waters of our consumption and embarrassment. We had lost ourselves and we had lost the faith in each other where it had once been so stationary and we were finally shaken. Never had we experienced such a blunt acceptance of failing each other, and as we passed our judgements, it felt unfamiliar and unfriendly and for a second, we lay there, broken together.
We were invincible once, you know.
It was darker.
Without saying a word, we looked at each other. Time was but a limiting factor now and visibility brought us pain as we looked into each others eyes and felt that burning sensation of failure. A feeling as though we had failed, and we were flailing and sinking, desperately trying to rescue each other.
We thought we had found the way. We thought we found the way out of our mutual tortures but now, we felt our sorrows make home in our chests and feel heavier than ever. And the worst part was, we thought our salvation would be found on a dirty bathroom floor, three drinks in, and our ability to remember debilitated.
It was now 12:18am.
Reality addressed us formally. We left our faux Passage and returned to a surrounding we had not even given ourselves a chance to recall. It felt foreign, and we felt hopeless as time ticked on and the music began to stop and all these people danced along to ignorance and the bliss that came with that. We left our Passage behind us, and as a last hoorah, threw back the last of our third and tipped the bartender 20 for his attempt at finding us redemption.
Now it's 6:42am.
I can still feel your eyes looking into mine as you saw me and I saw you and we realized together that there is no passage out of the way things are. With a dry throat, a pounding head and light beginning to ooze through my windows, I am reminded of this.
We had tried our best to cover it up, push dirt over it, forget about the hard and fast fact that we were no longer exempt from failing each other and it hurt. It hurt because you did not fail me and I did not fail you, but we felt as though we had and in that thinking, we did.
I hoped that we could regain our confidence in our own selves so that we could stop hurting in our rooms, aching for the other, hoping the other would not know. I wanted to be okay with how things were turning out, but I could not transcend your disappointment in yourself for what was out of your power. I felt the unfairness of it all and felt as though I had failed because I could not remove that. Conversely, I could see you wanting to be okay with the way everything was turning out, but guilt would eat at you as you saw me (rightfully) accept blame, where you would like to have taken it from me. You felt as though you failed because for the first time, you could not eliviate fault that was not yours. We were being too good to each other, and in that goodness we were
Failing.
How about that huh?
Perhaps, with this understanding, and our stumbling through our fake passage, there was potential now for us to build again what had deteriorated all these years. Perhaps we had found our Passage after all, but a Passage to a next step, not a Passage to an escape.
It was 6:47 am.
I took my first drink of water since my night began and for the first time in a while I felt refreshed.
And with my second glass, and my third glass, I finally began to feel relinquished as our passage turned to light and we were no longer drowning.
.K SG C.
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