What I fear most.

My eyes closed. It is dark now. I stay near the surface so I'm sure not to be swept under.

The light is no longer permitted in my room and the space now seems infinite. The lines and angles that traced the confines of my room disappeared and I lie in an allusion. I can feel my fears pour out into the space I created and the endlessness that followed it. The space's and the fear's. It was vast. It was looming. It was there, at the hand of my own imagination and being filled with the things in my own dungeons. 

I used to fear things. Tangible things. Things I could not think up, but things that I had heard, seen and remembered. Things in my mind but not of my mind. 

Now I fear both. I fear what this world is capable of creating and I fear more what I am capable of creating. I fear the love affair of the both. 

I once feared sounds. Unmarked, unexplainable sounds. Sounds created by this world. I once feared laying in my bed, amidst my own creation of desolately and darkness and hearing something. Perhaps something on the roof, a bug gnawing at the inside of a wall. A sound that I could not attach to a living thing. A sound created of the universe, with no opportunity of validation from me.

I stopped fearing things like that when you began to fill up the darkness I created. The grand empty. A lit path to every vulnerability I possess. I stopped fearing things like that when I began to see that the sounds that once scared me held no weight if not being created by one I know. One I care for. And one I need.

I began to fear things. Untangible things. Things I could not hear, or see, but merely speculate upon. Worry about. Fight against. Losing you in your darkness, or not being able to find you in mine. I began to fear your freewill, and your ability to walk away. I began to fear the things you made me see in myself that I had never been willing to look at. Something tangible on the outside, but only fixable on the inside. 

Moreso, I began to fear you being here. You falling in the darkness, and my arm not being long enough to reach you. The walls that surrounded my room once sturdy, suddenly obtained the ability to crash on you, and my swiftness not quick enough to save you. Your darkness so heavy, and my strength not trained enough to get you out from under it.

I fear it not being good enough. I feared not being good enough for you to be strong in your vastness, and me in mine. A nightmare I spent a brief time in felt eternal, and I was helpless. I feared this for you, because I know you need it. I fear it for me, because I need you.

I fear most that the difference I make will just not be good enough, and the darkness will swallow us both.

.K SG C.