I had the strangest sensation tonight…. Have you ever had writers remorse? I wrote some angry poetry today. Perhaps poetry that, looking back now, was a little harsh and entirely blown out of proportion. But in the moment, as I was writing it, I felt like it was completely justified. Now, as I sit and read back the words, I feel a sense of complete maliciousness, like I was too hard on the page, too silently angry and uncharacteristically cruel for writing so monstrously against parchment that could not defend itself. And to top it all off, since I chose to write instead of verbally articulate, I'm left with no way to apologize for it. With no one to own up to, and no one truly to "confess" to, I found myself bound to my own frustration with my unbridled anger and no release for it. It was all done on paper, in pen, forever dictated. I can’t forget it, nor are they words that slip out of my mouth and into the minutes and sounds of the day, easily to be forgotten and estranged from my thinking and conscious. They are ingrained into the paper, and I feel guilty because I felt angry enough to give them an inked permanence.
That’s the funny thing about writing; the double sided sword. You can’t take back written words. You can get rid of the paper, burn it, throw it in the ocean. But those words will be there still. You can’t apologize to them or ask for forgiveness. They can’t accept an apology. Writing is a serious commitment and you have to be okay with what you write. You have to be okay with looking at your paper like it was a mirror, and seeing the worst and best sides looking back at you. And not only this, but you have to come to terms with the image you see when you don't like it and know that it's truly a reflection of the time from start to paper, to end of paper and there is no taking that back.
Do I really believe in "writers remorse?" No. I've learned for the most part that we are what we are, we feel what we feel, and we write what we write. We are allowed to write irrationally, bitterly, and furiously. It's part of the system of thinking, writing and reflecting. I guess I believe everything you construe on paper is done so for a reason. And even beauty can come from darkness and that is something we not only need to be in touch with, but learn to coexist with. You have to accept all the light and dark that is emitted from your writing and accept that sometimes it needs to be there. Such is life I suppose, it's vital to our mere existence just as much as it is our creative presence. You have to deal with whatever you felt in the moment you chose to write, good or bad. It’s funny, this writing business. It's really odd. Writing about someone in such a way that they will never be able to accept the apology you can’t give them. The paper and the person will never receive it, and that pains me a little. Beautiful words, but hurtful words. I surprise myself sometimes.
Writers remorse. Strange indeed.
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